Feelin' GOOD!

I definitely woke up on the RIGHT side of the bed this morning. I feel SO good! Going to sleep really early might continue to be my new thing. When I wake up (well, I still hit the snooze button a few times), I feel great and energized. My skin is still SO clear. Wow! I just kept staring at myself in the mirror this morning in disbelief.

It was a little hard for me to go to sleep yesterday, even though I was tired, because my "headlights" were on fire. It felt like someone was sticking hot needles in them. But eventually, I was knocked out, and my husband woke me up to eat. I wasn't hungry, so I just watched TV for a bit before going back to sleep.

Another thing that has been feeling good, is that usually my PMS brings along low self-esteem. I feel ugly, hate my body, etc. But NOW, I feel SO beautiful. I love it!

Oh, and my neighbor is PREGNANT!!! I'm SO excited for her. We became good friends with her and her husband, I can't wait to watch her get a baby bump. Usually pregnancy news would make me feel sad, but not this time. See, great mood! :-)

Out of control symptom spotting!!

This TWW is really getting to my head. Yesterday, I went to bed at 6PM. I was just SO tired, and couldn't bear to stay up and longer. I was so cold when I got home, that I slept in my robe, and covered up with a sheet and comforter. Then I noticed that my legs were warm to the touch, but my body seemed so cold. I asked my DH if I felt warm to him, and he said I did. (I'm not sure if that is a symptom or not, but so be it.) Even now, I'm freezing, I wish I had a blanket!!

I'm kind of apprehensive about mentioning this next bit. But only because if AF does decide to show, I'm afraid I'll look crazy. Anyways, my, um... "headlights" have been HURTING! It feels like electricity is zipping through them, with a bit of a warm feeling. They don't just hurt to the touch, they just plain hurt. I usually have sensitive "headlights" after OV, but then it goes away. After I received my positive OPK, they were sore. Then the soreness went away, and now it's back with a vengeance.

So, yeah. My symptom spotting is OUT OF CONTROL!! I'm scrutinizing every little twinge, but it does make the TWW go by faster.

Today has been...... strange.

My left side has had a pulling sensation ALL day, and currently there is a slight burning sensation. For the life of me, I can't remember if this is a PMS symptom or not. I've had a really hard time finding things to eat lately. Nothing sounds good. I even brought some of my favorite snacks to work today, and barely touched them. Also, I've been very drained. Yesterday I went to bed around 8PM.

It might not help that I've been scouring the interwebs all day for early pregnancy symptoms (shaking my head). I think I've COMPLETELY lost it. But, that's what I do when I obsess over pregnancy symptoms.

A few of the ladies that belong to the same miscarriage forum that I do, have already gotten their post-MC BFPs. As happy as I am for them, I can't wait until I'm in the same boat!!!

I've also been experiencing slight nausea all day. It happened this morning. At times, it's hard for me to talk through it. I have to keep swallowing. I notice I feel that way when I'm hungry.

Well, that's all for now. Even if this cycle doesn't end in a BFP, at least it'll give me a glimpse of my pre-AF symptoms.

Yuck!

My husband has been asking me to make homemade meatloaf and mashed potatoes for awhile now, and it finally happened yesterday. I almost gave up halfway through preparing everything because I was SO tired! But I did finish, and everything turned out great. But you'd have to take my husbands word for it, because I didn't eat ANY! I was feeling so yucky! The thought of eating the meat just didn't appeal to me. And I woke up feeling pretty ill this morning. I kept feeling like I had to burp or vomit. But in my heart, I believe that I'm just on a ridiculous symptom spotting mission. I'm still experiencing slight side pain in my left side. It's noticeable, but not really painful. I wish I took more note of my PMS symptoms, because I think that side pain may be one of them.

I did eat a whole pack of Fruit Roll-ups at 9AM this morning. I was hungry and nothing sounded good, so I ate them. They tasted SOOO good going down, but now I feel even sicker. Bleh!!

I've been browsing some new blogs lately. I love reading new blogs and hearing other people's stories.

Good

Today has been pretty nice. I was really dreading coming in to work, but it hasn't really been that bad at all. Most of it probably has to do with my attitude, which is WAY better. I'm actually in a good mood! But very tired.

So, just for kicks, I'm going to symptom spot. I know I have a fat chance of being pregnant this month, but I don't want to count anything out, just in case.

My left side is burning, kind of feels like pre-OV pains.
Woke up yesterday and cooked chicken for breakfast. (HAD to have hot sauce with it, almost cried because I couldn't find the hot sauce.)
I TOTALLY went off meat this afternoon. Looking at it made me feel ill (this is after I'd already had a breakfast sandwich with bacon.)
Super tired
Super thirsty

I think that's about it. Really doesn't seem too convincing. I'm sure it's all PMS related. A girl can dream, can't she??

Emotional

I've been feeling very emotional lately. One minute I'm ready to cry, and the next minute I'm angry. There is just so much going on right now. Work has been really stressful, I dread going in every day. My supervisor is NUTS. I swear she's bipolar, and everyone agrees. Sadly, there isn't much I can do about it, but I love my job, so I'm just going to suck it up and try to do my best. I'm trying not to get stressed over things that I can't control.

I'm also in the process of trying to shed a few pounds. Some people think that's crazy, they consider me to be thin already, but I can't fit hardly any of my jeans!! And it's not just a recent thing, I've been gradually adding a few pounds here and there over the past two years. I just want to get back to my "comfy" weight.

Not much to update about on the TTC front. I'm still unsure whether or not I actually ovulated, and if I did we probably didn't catch that precious eggy this month. I'm actually coming to terms with the fact that this month isn't our month. And that's okay, my original plan was to begin TTC next month. This month would have just been a bonus. I did go through my pregnancy journal this afternoon, and honestly, it was hard for me. I enjoyed being pregnant SO much, it was one of the happiest moments in my life. My husband and I would stay up all night thinking about babies and picking out names, discussing how we'd tell our family. *SIGH* But one day, we'll experience that joy again. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. I've also been trying to keep busy. I'm working on my "Baby Bucket List", which is really fun. I actually hope that I get to cross some things off of that list before "Baby V" decides to arrive.

Feeling alone

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my husband about us TTC. We both know that we want children, we both don't feel the need to protect against pregnancy, I thought we were both on the same page in regards to "trying". However, I was wrong.

My husband doesn't want to know when I'm ovulating or when I'm in my "fertile period". He said that he doesn't want to know about my OPKs, or anything else that has to do with my fertility. When I give him the heads up when we're nearing a point that it would be good to try to conceive, he stated that it makes him feel uncomfortable. I don't get it. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to know when the best chances are to conceive a child, that he wants so much, would be. I mean, isn't that the point of TTC? Tracking your fertility so that you can get pregnant and have a baby?

Matter of fact, he told me that when I'm ovulating I should "lie to him" and just act like I'm feeling particularly frisky, instead of telling him that we should get down to business in order to procreate. I don't feel like I should have to lie to anyone about anything. According to him, it takes the romance out of things when he knows that we are doing the deed to create a particular outcome. In my opinion, knowing that our love could create life is almost romantic in a way. But men will be men.

It makes me feel so alone in this whole TTC process. My family doesn't really know, or support, the fact that we want children, so I don't talk to them about it. I don't have parents that I can go to, I'm not sure how much my friends would understand. So that leave him, my other half, the one I declared in front of everyone that I would spend the rest of my life with. We're supposed to be there for each other. This situation makes me want to stop trying all together.

I may be hormonal, irritated, on edge, on the verge of tears, etc. But I do feel as though my feelings are valid. Making my husband understand my point of view is my goal, but I know it's going to be hard. Why can't things just be easy?

Confused

So, my plan yesterday was for me to come home, take another OPK, see a positive result, BD and repeat today. Well, that plan was a huge FAIL!!!

When I got home yesterday, I raced to the bathroom grabbed my box of OPKs and took one. Negative.... There were two lines, but the test line was obviously lighter than the control line. Insert confusion here. Then I started doubting the OPKs that I had taken that morning. They were clearly positive, the test line was WAYY darker than the control line. I even took a picture of them yesterday morning, before they dried up, and they are SO positive.

The reason that I'm so confused is because I always have three consecutive days of positive OPKs. So I'm wondering if maybe I missed my chance. DH and I also didn't BD yesterday. He was tired and so was I. We were both asleep by 9:30PM. Surprisingly, I'm not freaking out. My plan wasn't to try this month anyways, but I ended up having a change of heart. I usually test everyday following my period, until I get a positive, and then I follow it back until it turns negative. This month I didn't do that because we weren't trying. This may be TMI, but my cervix is still really high and soft, so maybe we'll get a BD session in today "just in case", but I'm not sure if it'll do any good. My side is burning, but it has been for about five days now.

This morning I took another one, and it was negative. So I just don't get it. And I believe that it's accurate, because the one I took this morning was another BRAND. So I got a negative yesterday on one brand, and a negative this morning on another brand.

We'll see what happens. Now I wish I hadn't even taken an OPK at all because I know the symptom spotting is going to follow. Sheesh!

I was so happy yesterday, I felt like things were back on track, and that I was actually on the verge of really TTC again. Today I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me. Emotionally I feel ready, but maybe I'm not physically. Maybe my body hasn't healed yet, which is why I'm getting such mixed signals. Whatever the case, I'm going to continue to do my best and give my body the best chance I can at conceiving and carrying full term. I wanted to be pregnant before my wedding anniversary (which is July 22nd), but now I'm not going to put an actual month on it. I don't want to feel pressured. It's been 3 months since my miscarriage, I shouldn't be stressing out about TTC.

Guess who got three positive OPKs???

THIS GIRL DID!!

I had the urge to POAS yesterday when I got home from work. And it was POSITIVE. I was shocked, I never ovulate this early. This morning, I took two more OPKs and they were positive as well. We did BD, but I'm not sure if the timing is right because we BD'd on Sunday. Either way, I'm just happy to get a positive OPK. Things are going so great right now.

This is a pic of my DH when he was little. It just melts my heart. I can't wait to have his babies!!!

Live life to the fullest

After my friend passed, I've come to a new realization about life. Seeing how quickly things can change, made me wake up a bit. I've been down in this dump after my miscarriage, teetering between wanting to try again and being too scared.

I'm going to live life to the fullest. I want a child, so I will do everything in my power to have one. That means, stop being so afraid. I think my husband was concerned that I may not want to try after what happened to Aja. I will NOT let fear get in the way. I've done that for too long. I started with the Robitussin again this month, as well as vitamin B6 and red raspberry leaf tea. My body went through so much with the miscarriage, that I feel compelled to help it out. I've also been drinking gobs of water to ensure that everything is hydrated. Positive thinking, positive results. That's my motto! Trying to stay stress free. Relax, relate, release!

Yay Me!

I'm SO proud of how my blog turned out. It came out much better than I expected. I'm so excited about, it makes me want to blog even more. Yippee!!!

Going to try this month....

This is no April Fools joke.

I'm seriously thinking about trying this month. But I have no idea when/if I OV'ed. Hopefully I haven't OV'ed yet and I can still catch that eggy. Please pray for me!!

And the dizziness continues....

I've still been feeling very shaky, dizzy, lightheaded, etc. I know I should probably POAS, but... I'm scared! I'm going to try to hold out for a little while longer.

What I learned today....

So, it's still pretty early in the day, but I've already learned some valuable lessons. Let's go through them, shall we?

Lesson 1: EAT!! I substituted my two breakfast sandwiches for a Sausage Biscuit w/ cheese from McDonalds this morning. I had REALLY been wanting one, and couldn't wait to eat it. Notice, I said one. I scarfed it down as soon as I got to my desk at work. I felt half full, half hungry but kept working. Then, about ten minutes ago, I went to the restroom (which has become one of my favorite past times). When I turned to flush the toilet, the room went black and started spinning. I FREAKED OUT! I was feeling so hot, and dizzy, and shaky, so I crouched NEAR (not on) the ground until I got my focus back. I'm still shaking and feeling light headed. Thank goodness one of my coworkers is a relative and is nice enough to go get me some lunch.

Lesson 2: HOLY HEARTBURN! Ummm, did ya know that water can cause heartburn? No? Me either. I was guzzling water (I have unquenchable thirst at the moment), and all of a sudden I had a heart attack. Okay, that might be a slight overexaggeration, but it sure did feel like my throat/heart was going to burst.

Lesson 3: PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE... I've been on edge all day today. Everyone, and everything is getting on my nerves. Currently, it is the sound of me typing. Usually it doesn't annoy me, heck, I don't even notice it. But right now, the "clack, clackity, clack" of the keyboard is causing me to want to stomp on it and see all the letters of the alphabet fly across the room.

That's all so far, be prepared for a revised edition. I'm sure I'll continue to learn these 'lessons' throughout the day....

Hello world, meet.... PREGNOID!!

Dun-dun-DUNNNNN!!

(insert Godzilla theme music here)

So, I'm not sure if I'm pregnant or not, but I AM sure that I'm pregnoid.

What is pregnoid, you may ask? Well, that is when you are extremely paranoid about something happening to you while you are pregnant (or may be pregnant), and conjure up all sorts of ridiculous scenarios in your head.

I finally figured out that I was suffering from this when I was out to eat with my older sister after work. We decided to meet at a restaurant near our jobs, and once I realized that the restaurant was more of a "bar" environment, I freaked. I somehow felt as though being NEAR alcohol would be bad for me to be around. I started sweating when the waiter (scratch that, BARTENDER) asked me what I'd like to drink. I somehow managed to squeak out, "Water, ju-ju-just water". I'm certain that he must have assumed I was either a stuttering lunatic, sitting there sweating and shifting in my seat, or that I was underage and was trying to fake being legal. So I ordered a drink, not sure what it was, I just got what my sister was having. Then, we decide to look at the menu. FISH, and MORE FISH!! Anyone who knows me IRL, knows that I LOVE fish... It's delicious, I'd eat it every day if I could. Well, now that I'm in pregnant limbo, I felt as though just seeing the word FISH would certainly cause me to miscarry the phantom pregnancy that I thought up in my head, or that I would cause my nonexistent child to have some sort of mental issue. Finally, after making it through two hours of dinner without losing my cool, it was time to pay the bill. We almost forgot about the bill, and stood up to put our coats on. Then my sister said, "Oh, where do we pay?", and I sat back down. HARD. Well, probably not hard to the normal person, but hard enough for pregnoid me, to think that I probably caused my uterus to fall out in the booth. Commence total freak out. My heart started racing, and it took all of my power to relax again. I cursed myself for not being gentle enough, and felt near tears. But the near crying episode almost happened AFTER I realized that we had to walk to the car. And when I say walk, I mean about 4 blocks. Again, this may not seem far to the normal person, but to pregnoid me, who had already shook her uterus out after slamming her rear down on a hard seat in a fish filled restaurant, it pretty much sent me over the edge. I could just imagine my loose uterus plopping out on the corner of Congress Street. Oh, dear God!! I've lost my marbles. Also, let it be known that I'm also afraid to sneeze, or poop, or do anything that exerts energy, for the sake of a healthy pregnancy.

See? I told ya, I'm PREGNOID!!!!!!

Next time...

After I had my miscarriage, I was filled with so many thoughts about what I'd do differently "next time". It ranged from not being so stressed, to making sure my tea was decaf. I was a mad woman! I religiously took my prenatals, wrote down everything I was experiencing, tried to keep the news that I was expecting from anyone until I was in the "safe" zone, etc. But looking back, all I have is regrets. I'm sad that I wasn't able to enjoy my pregnancy while I was pregnant. That sucks. So I've decided that next time, I'll relax. I mean, I'm still going to take my vitamins but I'm not going to set my alarm clock for 5:15AM on Saturday and Sunday just so I can be sure I take them at the same time every day. I'm still going to make sure I'm drinking decaf tea, but I'm not going to FLIP OUT because my husband buys caffeinated beverages. I'm going to just enjoy being pregnant.

Life is short, we might as well enjoy it while it lasts. I think I'll be a happier person, and I know my husband will be happier. I've learned a valuable life lesson, appreciate what you have, because you sure will miss it when it's gone.

Hopefully we'll get pregnant again soon, it happened quickly last time, so I've set the bar pretty high for us.

::SIGH::

I'm finding it REALLY hard to be optimistic. In the midst of deciding whether or not we're going to try this month, I can't help but wonder if my previous pregnancy was a fluke. What if it's not that easy for us to conceive again? Even though all of my bloodwork came back normal, my final ultrasound came back normal, I still can't shake the feeling that we're not only going to have to try to conceive, but that we're going to have to try REALLY hard. On top of that, my husband isn't to fond of OPKs. To him, they take the romance out of everything. It's more like we have a schedule. I understand how he feels, so I don't talk to him about them.

I haven't even opened the box yet, and I'm not sure if I will this month. I want to be able to be confident in my next pregnancy, and right now, I won't be able to. I know that if I get a BFP this month, I'll be worried sick during the entire time, and I'm not so sure that's healthy. I've heard that it's completely normal, but I want the kind of normal that allows me to get a BFP, and then EXPECT a baby nine months later. And I'm just not at that point. I'm working on getting there.

If this time of year wasn't so hard for me, I'd probably be able to scrounge some optimism from somewhere. So, for right now, I've officially decided that February is out, C'MON MARCH!!!!!!!!!

Scared...

I NEVER in my entire life, thought I'd be scared to get pregnant. Heck, I lived most of my life thinking that I'd never be ABLE to get knocked up, and now here I am. With the decision of TTC looming over my head like a dark cloud, I can't help but feel scared. Now that I know that every positive pregnancy test doesn't end in a bouncing 7lb 8 oz bundle of joy, I'm terrified. I don't think I can go through that again.

I want children, my husband wants children. So there's no issue there. We're both ready, but I'm just feeling a little apprehensive about jumping back in. There are no guarantees at all. It's just a gamble. But hey, I guess that's life...

One BIG Step!

So, this morning I ran to CVS before work and bought a pack of OPKs! I'm so proud of myself! It might seem silly, but I was in such limbo about whether or not to TTC again after my MC. Now, we'll just see if I actually USE them. That will be a different story.

I talked to my husband's cousin yesterday, that was also a HUGE step for me because we were pregnant together and were due around the same time. Her pregnancy is going smoothly, and I'm super happy for her. It's just reminds me of what I'm going through... I didn't know that she had secretly battled with IF before. I really hope that she has a completely uneventful pregnancy and has a happy and healthy 9 months.

We'll see what happens with my OPKs, I can't make any promises for this month though!

Untitled

One thing that has really started to bug me, is when people ask "Any babies on the way yet?", "Are you pregnant?", "When are you guys having kids?"

I think the proper question is: "Do you want to have kids?" That is more easily answered. It's a simple yes or no question. The other ones are more invasive. I mean, I WANT kids, I really, really, really want them. However, when I'm asked if there are any on the way yet, it just makes me pay more attention to the fact that my womb is empty.

I've kind of stepped back from the whole TTC thing. I had a lot of stress at my job, so I decided to work my way through that first. Things have gotten a little bit better. I've focused more on not stressing about the things that I don't have control over. It's helpful.

My husband seems like he's really ready for us to start a family. At first I was unsure, but I've definitely seen a change in him.

I stopped charting and temping, my mind just needed a break. I am, however, still using OPKs. That's way easier than trying to remember to stick a themometer in my mouth and then look for a pen to write it down. I've had several + OPKs over the past few days, and one today. I'm not pressed to try this month. But that doesn't mean that I'm totally going to count it out. If it happens, it happens. If not, I'll talk to my PCP about exploring other options (such as clomid). I have been taking vitamin b-6, I think I have a luteal phase defect. I'll see if my doc can confirm if we don't conceive this month.