To everyone who commented on my post about the comments I received from a fellow blogger.
I am going to continue to blog, because it's not just about me. It's about my daughter as well, I'd love for her to be able to look back and see how things were when she was growing up.
I am also going to continue following and supporting the journey's of those of you who are struggling with infertility.
So, thank you from the bottom of my heart, I truly appreciate it!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Relationship Q&A
I got this from The Farmer's Wife (a great blog I recently started following).
How long have you been together?
Nearly 8 years. (Wow! Time flies when you're having fun!!)
How long did you know each other before you started dating?
I knew OF him for nearly 6 years before we started dating. Long story... We had friends that knew each other.
Who asked who out?
No one, our relationship kind of flowed. It's weird, I don't recall when we changed from friends to more than friends.
Did you go to the same school?
Sure didn't. My husband is also five years older than me.
Who is the most sensitive?
Me!!
What about pets?
We'd both like to get a dog. I think it would be nice for Yorlee to grow up with a pet. But we're going to wait until we move into a hous.
Where do you eat out most as a couple?
There is a simple little family owned restaurant called Rose's. The cuisine is Italian, and you can tell it's home made. So delicious!! The spaghetti and meatballs are the best I've ever had.
Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
California. We hope to do some international travel over the next few years.
Who has the worst temper?
That would be me. I don't get upset very easily, but when I do. Oh boy! Run for cover!!
Who does the cooking?
He does. My husband can be very picky when it comes to food, so usually he cooks. I'll eat pretty much anything so it works out for us. He also loves to watch cooking shows.
Who is more social?
My husband is. If there is a room full of people, he can effortlessly engage in conversations with people. I'm more likely to find a spot, sit down, and not speak unless spoken too. I don't really like large crowds of people...
Who is the neat freak?
ME! I can't stand messes. My husband is a hoarder collector. He loves to buy junk things that he finds on sale. Even if we don't necessarily need it.
Who is the most stubborn?
He is. If he doesn't want to do something, he won't. Regardless of the situation. Sometimes it's the thing I admire most about him, and sometimes it gets on my nerves
Who hogs the bed?
My husband! I can fall asleep in one spot and wake up still in the same spot. Now my husband, he has to fidget in order to fall asleep. And he also moves and rolls, stretches out, wraps himself up like a burrito, etc. I'm always pushing his knee out of my back, or his elbow from near my head. LOL!
Who wakes up earlier?
Who wakes up earlier?
I do! I'm also a lighter sleeper.
Where was your first date?
Downtown Detroit. I had never really hung out in the city before. I'm so grateful that he took the time out to take me there, it gave me a view of Detroit that the media doesn't portray. The city is full of beautiful buildings, wonderful restaurants, parks, homes, etc. And the historic sights are absolutely fantastic. I've seen some of the most magnificent architecture.
How long did it take to get serious?
I'd say around two months. We became inseperable pretty quickly.
Who eats more?
He does. We keep snacks in the house.
Who drives when you are together?
He does. I don't mind driving, but he prefers too and that's fine by me!
Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
I am. My husband usually needs some convincing that he was wrong, which I am happy to do! :-)
Who wears the pants in the relationship?
He does.
Who eats more sweets?
We both do. We LOVE junk food. I'm going to try to give up all sweets for 30 days. I'll let you know how that goes...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Trying to get over hurt feelings
It was completely necessary for me to take a break from the blogging world. And, it was also hard. I love blogging, and documenting the most precious moments of my life, but I had to take some time to figure out what I wanted to do. The uncertainty of whether or not I would continue to share my thoughts and feelings with the world was weighing me down.
What caused my confusion? Well, words. You know what they say, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Well, I say that isn't completely true. Words do hurt, even when the intention is not there. However, I know that other people's blogs are their property. People have a right to express how they feel. I've stumbled upon many different blogs since I joined this site. I was mostly drawn to blogs about pregnancy, parenting, childbirth, and home decor. I was amazed at how many blogs there were about those things, and how many people were willing to share their lives with others. Before I fell pregnant with Yorlee, I was mainly reading blogs about people who had experienced miscarriages because I had just went through that, and I was also reading blogs about couples who were in the trenches due to infertility. I was so unsure about my ability to carry a child to term, or get pregnant again. It was so scary to me, and the success stories about IF encouraged me, giving me the strength to keep hoping.
I say all of this because I want people to know that even though I haven't experienced infertility first hand, I did believe (for YEARS) that I would have trouble conceiving. Why? I'm not so sure, maybe because I had been using birth control off and on and didn't get pregnant. But I think it was mostly because I wanted it so badly that I assumed it would never happen. Most people would think the opposite. I have several friends that say "When I get pregnant" or "I'm going to have my baby when I turn {insert age}" never for one minute thinking that they may have trouble conceiving. I was never that person. I felt that I'd have a hard time, I expected it. The first time I received a positive reading on a pregnancy test I thought the test was wrong. I was upset that I had spent my hard earned money on a defective test, and was preparing to return to the pharmacy to complain. It never really crossed my mind that the test could be correct. And even once I found out it was correct via a blood test, I still had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that the outcome wouldn't be a child. Maybe I'm just a pessimist, I'm not sure. But the whole pregnancy and childbirth thing never seemed like it would be something I'd get to experience fully.
Once I started following blogs, I was drawn to blogs regarding IF. I'd cheer people on as they were gearing up for IVF. I couldn't wait to see how many embies they had, if any made it to freeze, how many they were planning on transferring, when they would go in to have their BETA levels checked, how many implanted, etc. I followed the journeys as if they were my own. Maybe I took it too far, I'm not sure. In my heart I don't feel as though I did. Imagine my shock and surprise when I found a new blog about IF, felt a connection, made an encouraging comment on a post and was severely burned by the blog owner. Apparently, she checked my blog, saw that I hadn't went through IVF or fertility treatment, and said, "Stupid fertiles should stay in their place. I don't know why you commented on my blog, you know nothing about the pains of infertility. I don't appreciate you throwing your ability to procreate in my face. If there is one thing that I absolutely despise, it is a fertile who THINKS she can relate." She said a few other things as well, but those sentences cut me like a knife. I understand that those who are experiencing difficulty conceiving may have some resentment towards those who do not. I've read plenty of blogs where the topics were about the stupid things "fertiles" say or do. Some were funny, some were not. I always took it with a grain of salt. And in cases where some one's irresponsible cousin slept with a guy she knew for 5 minutes and gave birth to a healthy baby nine months later but was the worst mother in the world, I agreed with them. Some things just aren't fair. But the comment I received just recently hurt me to the core. And you know what else hurt? Other people also commented, and what they said mimicked the thoughts of the blog owner. I was in disbelief!! It left a bad taste in my mouth. You see, fertility/infertility isn't really a choice that people make. Sure, people may take things forgranted. Many do, however I didn't choose to be fertile, I didn't have that option. Just like I couldn't choose the color of my skin. I also don't believe that infertility is a part of God's plan, as many people say. I believe that it is directly correlated to imperfection. (But that deserves a post of it's own, if I continue blogging.) I considered the fact that when I made the comment on the blog, the owner could have been having a bad day. Anything could have happened. So I waited a few days, and then sent her an email apologizing since it seemed as though my point wasn't taken in the way I had desired, and explained that although I haven't experienced IF, I was familiar with some of the emotions that come along with it. The response was unbelievable. When I read that email, it felt as though the words where jumping off of the computer screen, as if I were being stoned. Needless to say, I stopped following that blog.
So now I sit, picking up the pieces of my shattered feelings and trying to figure out where to go from here. To those of you who are trying to navigate through infertility, please understand that not all fertiles are created equal. And that I want you to experience the joys of parenthood as much as you do, if not more.
What caused my confusion? Well, words. You know what they say, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Well, I say that isn't completely true. Words do hurt, even when the intention is not there. However, I know that other people's blogs are their property. People have a right to express how they feel. I've stumbled upon many different blogs since I joined this site. I was mostly drawn to blogs about pregnancy, parenting, childbirth, and home decor. I was amazed at how many blogs there were about those things, and how many people were willing to share their lives with others. Before I fell pregnant with Yorlee, I was mainly reading blogs about people who had experienced miscarriages because I had just went through that, and I was also reading blogs about couples who were in the trenches due to infertility. I was so unsure about my ability to carry a child to term, or get pregnant again. It was so scary to me, and the success stories about IF encouraged me, giving me the strength to keep hoping.
I say all of this because I want people to know that even though I haven't experienced infertility first hand, I did believe (for YEARS) that I would have trouble conceiving. Why? I'm not so sure, maybe because I had been using birth control off and on and didn't get pregnant. But I think it was mostly because I wanted it so badly that I assumed it would never happen. Most people would think the opposite. I have several friends that say "When I get pregnant" or "I'm going to have my baby when I turn {insert age}" never for one minute thinking that they may have trouble conceiving. I was never that person. I felt that I'd have a hard time, I expected it. The first time I received a positive reading on a pregnancy test I thought the test was wrong. I was upset that I had spent my hard earned money on a defective test, and was preparing to return to the pharmacy to complain. It never really crossed my mind that the test could be correct. And even once I found out it was correct via a blood test, I still had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that the outcome wouldn't be a child. Maybe I'm just a pessimist, I'm not sure. But the whole pregnancy and childbirth thing never seemed like it would be something I'd get to experience fully.
Once I started following blogs, I was drawn to blogs regarding IF. I'd cheer people on as they were gearing up for IVF. I couldn't wait to see how many embies they had, if any made it to freeze, how many they were planning on transferring, when they would go in to have their BETA levels checked, how many implanted, etc. I followed the journeys as if they were my own. Maybe I took it too far, I'm not sure. In my heart I don't feel as though I did. Imagine my shock and surprise when I found a new blog about IF, felt a connection, made an encouraging comment on a post and was severely burned by the blog owner. Apparently, she checked my blog, saw that I hadn't went through IVF or fertility treatment, and said, "Stupid fertiles should stay in their place. I don't know why you commented on my blog, you know nothing about the pains of infertility. I don't appreciate you throwing your ability to procreate in my face. If there is one thing that I absolutely despise, it is a fertile who THINKS she can relate." She said a few other things as well, but those sentences cut me like a knife. I understand that those who are experiencing difficulty conceiving may have some resentment towards those who do not. I've read plenty of blogs where the topics were about the stupid things "fertiles" say or do. Some were funny, some were not. I always took it with a grain of salt. And in cases where some one's irresponsible cousin slept with a guy she knew for 5 minutes and gave birth to a healthy baby nine months later but was the worst mother in the world, I agreed with them. Some things just aren't fair. But the comment I received just recently hurt me to the core. And you know what else hurt? Other people also commented, and what they said mimicked the thoughts of the blog owner. I was in disbelief!! It left a bad taste in my mouth. You see, fertility/infertility isn't really a choice that people make. Sure, people may take things forgranted. Many do, however I didn't choose to be fertile, I didn't have that option. Just like I couldn't choose the color of my skin. I also don't believe that infertility is a part of God's plan, as many people say. I believe that it is directly correlated to imperfection. (But that deserves a post of it's own, if I continue blogging.) I considered the fact that when I made the comment on the blog, the owner could have been having a bad day. Anything could have happened. So I waited a few days, and then sent her an email apologizing since it seemed as though my point wasn't taken in the way I had desired, and explained that although I haven't experienced IF, I was familiar with some of the emotions that come along with it. The response was unbelievable. When I read that email, it felt as though the words where jumping off of the computer screen, as if I were being stoned. Needless to say, I stopped following that blog.
So now I sit, picking up the pieces of my shattered feelings and trying to figure out where to go from here. To those of you who are trying to navigate through infertility, please understand that not all fertiles are created equal. And that I want you to experience the joys of parenthood as much as you do, if not more.
Yorlee is 4 months old!! (A little late...)
My little pumpkin pie turned four months nearly two weeks ago. I absolutely love this age! Here's what she's been up too lately:
* Talking to Mommy and Daddy - She loves having conversations with us, and often gets upset if we stop talking to her or don't respond quickly enough.
* Rolling over - My sweet pea can roll from tummy to back, and from back to side.
* Drooling - Her pediatrician says she's not teething, but her fingers stay in her mouth, and I have to keep a bib on her at all times because she drools on everything!! When I hold her my shoulders, arms, and hands are covered in drool.
* Fussing - She knows what she wants and when she wants it. If she doesn't get her way, she turns into a fussy butt.
*Pulling her hair - When Yorlee is tired, she tugs on her hair and rubs her eyes. I usually try to put her down before she gets this tired. If I don't, it is harder to get her to unwind and fall asleep, and tears are usually shed.
* Grabbing her toys - She loves her play mat and exersaucer now that she is able to grab her toys. She's so curious.
*Squealing - She recently learned how to do it and now squeals/screams all the time.
*Standing - She when I stand her up on my lap. Her little leg muscles are getting stronger and stronger.
(I'm such a bad Mommy for not posting this sooner!!!)
* Talking to Mommy and Daddy - She loves having conversations with us, and often gets upset if we stop talking to her or don't respond quickly enough.
* Rolling over - My sweet pea can roll from tummy to back, and from back to side.
* Drooling - Her pediatrician says she's not teething, but her fingers stay in her mouth, and I have to keep a bib on her at all times because she drools on everything!! When I hold her my shoulders, arms, and hands are covered in drool.
* Fussing - She knows what she wants and when she wants it. If she doesn't get her way, she turns into a fussy butt.
*Pulling her hair - When Yorlee is tired, she tugs on her hair and rubs her eyes. I usually try to put her down before she gets this tired. If I don't, it is harder to get her to unwind and fall asleep, and tears are usually shed.
* Grabbing her toys - She loves her play mat and exersaucer now that she is able to grab her toys. She's so curious.
*Squealing - She recently learned how to do it and now squeals/screams all the time.
*Standing - She when I stand her up on my lap. Her little leg muscles are getting stronger and stronger.
(I'm such a bad Mommy for not posting this sooner!!!)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Photo dump
I have seven saved posts that I've been meaning to finish and post. So much has been going on, we just came back from California, Yorlee is teething and going through the four month sleep regression, I'm tired, etc...
I've been reading (and trying to comment) on every one's blogs, but I guess in the meantime I've been neglecting my own. I promise to get back into the swing of things!!
For now, I'll leave you with pictures of my sour patch kid (I call her that because she will be as sweet as sugar one minute, and then her lip pokes out and she turns SOUR! LOL!!). Enjoy!!
I've been reading (and trying to comment) on every one's blogs, but I guess in the meantime I've been neglecting my own. I promise to get back into the swing of things!!
For now, I'll leave you with pictures of my sour patch kid (I call her that because she will be as sweet as sugar one minute, and then her lip pokes out and she turns SOUR! LOL!!). Enjoy!!
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| WHAT!!???!!!??? |
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| Sleepy pumpkin pie |
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| Jammied up and at the airport. California bound! |
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| I had to add one picture of me! |
Friday, April 15, 2011
Hand pump in a cup...
What do you do when you are at work, and leave your breast pump at home?
You manually express into a plastic cup! (At least I did!)
I didn't notice that I forgot my breast pump until I started to feel uncomfortable. After a few minutes went by, I was in agony. I could barely put my arms down, and it was nearly impossible to type. So, I grabbed a cup out of my supply drawer, and headed to the storage room to handle my business.
One of my coworkers (who knew that I had left my pump at home) knocked on the door and asked me what I was doing. I was so startled that I flipped the cup I was expressing into and milk went flying everywhere. So I was sitting in the storage room, with a soaked shirt, a plastic cup, and still feeling very full. I couldn't help but laugh.
Thankfully my husband is my knight in shining armor and came to my job to bring me my pump....
You manually express into a plastic cup! (At least I did!)
I didn't notice that I forgot my breast pump until I started to feel uncomfortable. After a few minutes went by, I was in agony. I could barely put my arms down, and it was nearly impossible to type. So, I grabbed a cup out of my supply drawer, and headed to the storage room to handle my business.
One of my coworkers (who knew that I had left my pump at home) knocked on the door and asked me what I was doing. I was so startled that I flipped the cup I was expressing into and milk went flying everywhere. So I was sitting in the storage room, with a soaked shirt, a plastic cup, and still feeling very full. I couldn't help but laugh.
Thankfully my husband is my knight in shining armor and came to my job to bring me my pump....
Thursday, April 14, 2011
A new day
Have you ever been feeling really down, and had someone say just the right thing to you and make you realize that things aren't as bad as they seem? That happened to me yesterday. Lalla from Expect the Unexpected commented on my post from yesterday and everything she said struck a chord with me.
After having an immense amount of guilt for giving Yorlee formula, the realization hit me that I wasn't being fair to myself. Putting so much pressure on myself to EXCLUSIVELY give her breast milk was stressing me out and nearly making me ill.
Lalla stated that she only pumps at work, and enjoys her time and home with her (GORGEOUS) daughter. I was pumping at work, pumping at home, pumping in the middle of the night, etc. Not only was I starting to wear myself out, but Yorlee was also getting frustrated. Yesterday after I pumped, she started rooting, so I placed her on the breast and she SCREAMED!!! She was so mad at me because I had pumped all of her milk out. I ended up having to give her the milk I had just pumped in a bottle, and before I could do that, I had to calm her down. That's when reality hit me. I'm trying to do too much. And I was feeling like a failure as a mom at the same time. So from this day forward, I'll pump at work, and spend quality time with my daughter when I'm at home. If I don't pump the full 20 ounces that she drinks a day, we'll supplement with formula. Also, I'm going to start giving her a bit of rice cereal in the evenings. She had her first taste of it yesterday and absolutely loved it! On top of it all, she slept from 9PM until 4:30AM on her own, and in another room!! I was so surprised!
Pictures to come soon....
After having an immense amount of guilt for giving Yorlee formula, the realization hit me that I wasn't being fair to myself. Putting so much pressure on myself to EXCLUSIVELY give her breast milk was stressing me out and nearly making me ill.
Lalla stated that she only pumps at work, and enjoys her time and home with her (GORGEOUS) daughter. I was pumping at work, pumping at home, pumping in the middle of the night, etc. Not only was I starting to wear myself out, but Yorlee was also getting frustrated. Yesterday after I pumped, she started rooting, so I placed her on the breast and she SCREAMED!!! She was so mad at me because I had pumped all of her milk out. I ended up having to give her the milk I had just pumped in a bottle, and before I could do that, I had to calm her down. That's when reality hit me. I'm trying to do too much. And I was feeling like a failure as a mom at the same time. So from this day forward, I'll pump at work, and spend quality time with my daughter when I'm at home. If I don't pump the full 20 ounces that she drinks a day, we'll supplement with formula. Also, I'm going to start giving her a bit of rice cereal in the evenings. She had her first taste of it yesterday and absolutely loved it! On top of it all, she slept from 9PM until 4:30AM on her own, and in another room!! I was so surprised!
Pictures to come soon....
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Breastfeeding and Mommy guilt
Lately, breastfeeding has been stressing me out. Well, not breastfeeding, pumping has been stressing me out. I haven't been pumping nearly as much at work for Yorlee, but I've been able to slide by without needing to supplement with formula. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to do so this morning. For the first time EVER, I had to send along two bottles of formula in addition to the two bottles of milk I had pumped.
I know that stress can cause a drop in breast milk production, however, I tend to stress when I don't produce enough. It's a vicious cycle.
The guilt that I feel amazes me. I know that plenty of babies are formula fed and they turn out great, however, my personal goal was to exclusively breastfeed until Yorlee was 6 months old. Sending those two bottles of formula today felt like a dagger in my heart. I know she'll be okay, I know I'll be okay, it's just really hard right now.
I've been doing everything that I can to help my milk production. Yesterday I drank six cups of Mother's Milk tea, ate three cups of Life cereal, three bowls of oatmeal, drank 50 ounces of water, and consumed an additional 1500 calories. I pumped seven ounces total. Only three of those were pumped while I was at work. I even woke up at 3AM to pump again, and was able to get 5 ounces total so I was able to send two six ounce bottles of breastmilk.
What could be causing my drop in supply? I've been WAY more stressed in the past than I am now, and was still able to pump 20 ounces a day. So I don't think it's entirely due to that. I nurse Yorlee on demand when I pick her up from daycare as well as the weekends. I just don't get it.
I hope that she only drinks two of the bottles today so that she doesn't need the formula.
I know that stress can cause a drop in breast milk production, however, I tend to stress when I don't produce enough. It's a vicious cycle.
The guilt that I feel amazes me. I know that plenty of babies are formula fed and they turn out great, however, my personal goal was to exclusively breastfeed until Yorlee was 6 months old. Sending those two bottles of formula today felt like a dagger in my heart. I know she'll be okay, I know I'll be okay, it's just really hard right now.
I've been doing everything that I can to help my milk production. Yesterday I drank six cups of Mother's Milk tea, ate three cups of Life cereal, three bowls of oatmeal, drank 50 ounces of water, and consumed an additional 1500 calories. I pumped seven ounces total. Only three of those were pumped while I was at work. I even woke up at 3AM to pump again, and was able to get 5 ounces total so I was able to send two six ounce bottles of breastmilk.
What could be causing my drop in supply? I've been WAY more stressed in the past than I am now, and was still able to pump 20 ounces a day. So I don't think it's entirely due to that. I nurse Yorlee on demand when I pick her up from daycare as well as the weekends. I just don't get it.
I hope that she only drinks two of the bottles today so that she doesn't need the formula.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Co-sleeping
We co-sleep. It didn't start out intentionally, I was too paranoid when we first brought Yorlee home from the hospital to put her down. I would sleep sitting up, and hold her in my arms with the Boppy pillow supporting us. It was the ONLY way I could sleep, I had to be able to see her chest rise and fall, and feel her skin. It also helped my milk production because she was constantly nursing so my body was able to notice that I needed to produce more milk.
As time went on, it was just more convenient. I can sleep and nurse her at the same time, she can feel secure, I can check on her without budging, etc.
But now, I'm ready to have my bed back.
My quality of sleep is poor. The slightest movement from her, and I'm up. And the slightest movement from me, she's up. Neither of us are getting a good nights rest. I was able to sneak out of bed yesterday without her waking and she slept like a rock. However, she started SCREAMING when she realized that her usual endless supply of milk was no where to be found. I saw her rooting in her sleep, and instead of picking her up I watched to see what she would do. She whimpered, turned her head from side to side, opened her mouth, and kept sticking her tongue out. All attempts to get milk. Usually when I'm laying next to her all she has to do is whimper and I start nursing her. Finally, she opened her eyes and noticed I wasn't there and she hollered.
I'm going to start sleep training her this weekend, but I know that the hardest part will be teaching her to adjust to not having a nightly buffet. Honestly, I don't feel as though she eats at night out of hunger, I think she knows that I'm there and that milk is available so she uses it as a method to soothe.
Hopefully we are able to figure things out so that I can start stretching out in my bed once again.
As time went on, it was just more convenient. I can sleep and nurse her at the same time, she can feel secure, I can check on her without budging, etc.
But now, I'm ready to have my bed back.
My quality of sleep is poor. The slightest movement from her, and I'm up. And the slightest movement from me, she's up. Neither of us are getting a good nights rest. I was able to sneak out of bed yesterday without her waking and she slept like a rock. However, she started SCREAMING when she realized that her usual endless supply of milk was no where to be found. I saw her rooting in her sleep, and instead of picking her up I watched to see what she would do. She whimpered, turned her head from side to side, opened her mouth, and kept sticking her tongue out. All attempts to get milk. Usually when I'm laying next to her all she has to do is whimper and I start nursing her. Finally, she opened her eyes and noticed I wasn't there and she hollered.
I'm going to start sleep training her this weekend, but I know that the hardest part will be teaching her to adjust to not having a nightly buffet. Honestly, I don't feel as though she eats at night out of hunger, I think she knows that I'm there and that milk is available so she uses it as a method to soothe.
Hopefully we are able to figure things out so that I can start stretching out in my bed once again.
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