And the dizziness continues....

I've still been feeling very shaky, dizzy, lightheaded, etc. I know I should probably POAS, but... I'm scared! I'm going to try to hold out for a little while longer.

What I learned today....

So, it's still pretty early in the day, but I've already learned some valuable lessons. Let's go through them, shall we?

Lesson 1: EAT!! I substituted my two breakfast sandwiches for a Sausage Biscuit w/ cheese from McDonalds this morning. I had REALLY been wanting one, and couldn't wait to eat it. Notice, I said one. I scarfed it down as soon as I got to my desk at work. I felt half full, half hungry but kept working. Then, about ten minutes ago, I went to the restroom (which has become one of my favorite past times). When I turned to flush the toilet, the room went black and started spinning. I FREAKED OUT! I was feeling so hot, and dizzy, and shaky, so I crouched NEAR (not on) the ground until I got my focus back. I'm still shaking and feeling light headed. Thank goodness one of my coworkers is a relative and is nice enough to go get me some lunch.

Lesson 2: HOLY HEARTBURN! Ummm, did ya know that water can cause heartburn? No? Me either. I was guzzling water (I have unquenchable thirst at the moment), and all of a sudden I had a heart attack. Okay, that might be a slight overexaggeration, but it sure did feel like my throat/heart was going to burst.

Lesson 3: PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE... I've been on edge all day today. Everyone, and everything is getting on my nerves. Currently, it is the sound of me typing. Usually it doesn't annoy me, heck, I don't even notice it. But right now, the "clack, clackity, clack" of the keyboard is causing me to want to stomp on it and see all the letters of the alphabet fly across the room.

That's all so far, be prepared for a revised edition. I'm sure I'll continue to learn these 'lessons' throughout the day....

Not feeling well

Over the past couple of days, I've noticed that I feel warmer than usual. Even to the touch. I snuggled up to DH the other day, and he jumped away telling me that I was hot. I've also felt lightheaded, and like I'm dragging. I even had to break down and take a nap today at work. I'm SLEEPY!

Now, all of these things probably don't mean anything. But I've also been eating two breakfast sandwiches a day at work. And they're not like McDonald's breakfast sandwiches, where they're small. They are made out of actual bread slices, and have bacon, eggs, and cheese on them. Yummy! Also, after I eat them, I'm still starving, so I have to drink a bottle of water to feel full. Then I'm hungry again at lunch time.

What gives? If I am in fact, pregnant, why can't I have the usual "google-able" pregnancy symptoms? AhhhhhH! (End rant).

I'm just going to see what happens, and go crazy in the meantime.

Bionic baby

So, let me just say that after my pregnoid post, I saw a TV show where a pregnant woman who was SKYDIVING, had a freak accident and landed flat on her face. From what she said, she didn't know she was pregnant, but STILL!!!!

Her baby was fine. She pretty much broke her whole body, including her pelvis, but her baby managed to survive. Umm.... what? That baby must be bionic, and I'm still paranoid. What gives? I'd pay MONEY to be able to relax. Oh well, so it goes...

Hello world, meet.... PREGNOID!!

Dun-dun-DUNNNNN!!

(insert Godzilla theme music here)

So, I'm not sure if I'm pregnant or not, but I AM sure that I'm pregnoid.

What is pregnoid, you may ask? Well, that is when you are extremely paranoid about something happening to you while you are pregnant (or may be pregnant), and conjure up all sorts of ridiculous scenarios in your head.

I finally figured out that I was suffering from this when I was out to eat with my older sister after work. We decided to meet at a restaurant near our jobs, and once I realized that the restaurant was more of a "bar" environment, I freaked. I somehow felt as though being NEAR alcohol would be bad for me to be around. I started sweating when the waiter (scratch that, BARTENDER) asked me what I'd like to drink. I somehow managed to squeak out, "Water, ju-ju-just water". I'm certain that he must have assumed I was either a stuttering lunatic, sitting there sweating and shifting in my seat, or that I was underage and was trying to fake being legal. So I ordered a drink, not sure what it was, I just got what my sister was having. Then, we decide to look at the menu. FISH, and MORE FISH!! Anyone who knows me IRL, knows that I LOVE fish... It's delicious, I'd eat it every day if I could. Well, now that I'm in pregnant limbo, I felt as though just seeing the word FISH would certainly cause me to miscarry the phantom pregnancy that I thought up in my head, or that I would cause my nonexistent child to have some sort of mental issue. Finally, after making it through two hours of dinner without losing my cool, it was time to pay the bill. We almost forgot about the bill, and stood up to put our coats on. Then my sister said, "Oh, where do we pay?", and I sat back down. HARD. Well, probably not hard to the normal person, but hard enough for pregnoid me, to think that I probably caused my uterus to fall out in the booth. Commence total freak out. My heart started racing, and it took all of my power to relax again. I cursed myself for not being gentle enough, and felt near tears. But the near crying episode almost happened AFTER I realized that we had to walk to the car. And when I say walk, I mean about 4 blocks. Again, this may not seem far to the normal person, but to pregnoid me, who had already shook her uterus out after slamming her rear down on a hard seat in a fish filled restaurant, it pretty much sent me over the edge. I could just imagine my loose uterus plopping out on the corner of Congress Street. Oh, dear God!! I've lost my marbles. Also, let it be known that I'm also afraid to sneeze, or poop, or do anything that exerts energy, for the sake of a healthy pregnancy.

See? I told ya, I'm PREGNOID!!!!!!

GRRRRRRRRR!!! <--- Says my stomach.....

So, I'm STARVING! It's about 9:48AM, I've been at work for a little over two hours and I feel like I'm going to chew through my desk. Mind you, I've already had a bowl of oatmeal, and a breakfast sandwich (which was YUMMY), but my stomach is still growling! Also, I'm completely off sweets. Usually I crave cupcakes or fruit snacks, but now I'd rather have scrambled eggs.

I probably sound crazy saying all of this, but hey, it's my blog and I'll say what I want! LOL!

Even though we're on a TTC break for this month, I still find myself symptom spotting. But at least I'll be able to look back and know what my PMS symptoms are. Hunger is definitely added to the list.

Next time...

After I had my miscarriage, I was filled with so many thoughts about what I'd do differently "next time". It ranged from not being so stressed, to making sure my tea was decaf. I was a mad woman! I religiously took my prenatals, wrote down everything I was experiencing, tried to keep the news that I was expecting from anyone until I was in the "safe" zone, etc. But looking back, all I have is regrets. I'm sad that I wasn't able to enjoy my pregnancy while I was pregnant. That sucks. So I've decided that next time, I'll relax. I mean, I'm still going to take my vitamins but I'm not going to set my alarm clock for 5:15AM on Saturday and Sunday just so I can be sure I take them at the same time every day. I'm still going to make sure I'm drinking decaf tea, but I'm not going to FLIP OUT because my husband buys caffeinated beverages. I'm going to just enjoy being pregnant.

Life is short, we might as well enjoy it while it lasts. I think I'll be a happier person, and I know my husband will be happier. I've learned a valuable life lesson, appreciate what you have, because you sure will miss it when it's gone.

Hopefully we'll get pregnant again soon, it happened quickly last time, so I've set the bar pretty high for us.

::SIGH::

I'm finding it REALLY hard to be optimistic. In the midst of deciding whether or not we're going to try this month, I can't help but wonder if my previous pregnancy was a fluke. What if it's not that easy for us to conceive again? Even though all of my bloodwork came back normal, my final ultrasound came back normal, I still can't shake the feeling that we're not only going to have to try to conceive, but that we're going to have to try REALLY hard. On top of that, my husband isn't to fond of OPKs. To him, they take the romance out of everything. It's more like we have a schedule. I understand how he feels, so I don't talk to him about them.

I haven't even opened the box yet, and I'm not sure if I will this month. I want to be able to be confident in my next pregnancy, and right now, I won't be able to. I know that if I get a BFP this month, I'll be worried sick during the entire time, and I'm not so sure that's healthy. I've heard that it's completely normal, but I want the kind of normal that allows me to get a BFP, and then EXPECT a baby nine months later. And I'm just not at that point. I'm working on getting there.

If this time of year wasn't so hard for me, I'd probably be able to scrounge some optimism from somewhere. So, for right now, I've officially decided that February is out, C'MON MARCH!!!!!!!!!