Hello world, meet.... PREGNOID!!

Dun-dun-DUNNNNN!!

(insert Godzilla theme music here)

So, I'm not sure if I'm pregnant or not, but I AM sure that I'm pregnoid.

What is pregnoid, you may ask? Well, that is when you are extremely paranoid about something happening to you while you are pregnant (or may be pregnant), and conjure up all sorts of ridiculous scenarios in your head.

I finally figured out that I was suffering from this when I was out to eat with my older sister after work. We decided to meet at a restaurant near our jobs, and once I realized that the restaurant was more of a "bar" environment, I freaked. I somehow felt as though being NEAR alcohol would be bad for me to be around. I started sweating when the waiter (scratch that, BARTENDER) asked me what I'd like to drink. I somehow managed to squeak out, "Water, ju-ju-just water". I'm certain that he must have assumed I was either a stuttering lunatic, sitting there sweating and shifting in my seat, or that I was underage and was trying to fake being legal. So I ordered a drink, not sure what it was, I just got what my sister was having. Then, we decide to look at the menu. FISH, and MORE FISH!! Anyone who knows me IRL, knows that I LOVE fish... It's delicious, I'd eat it every day if I could. Well, now that I'm in pregnant limbo, I felt as though just seeing the word FISH would certainly cause me to miscarry the phantom pregnancy that I thought up in my head, or that I would cause my nonexistent child to have some sort of mental issue. Finally, after making it through two hours of dinner without losing my cool, it was time to pay the bill. We almost forgot about the bill, and stood up to put our coats on. Then my sister said, "Oh, where do we pay?", and I sat back down. HARD. Well, probably not hard to the normal person, but hard enough for pregnoid me, to think that I probably caused my uterus to fall out in the booth. Commence total freak out. My heart started racing, and it took all of my power to relax again. I cursed myself for not being gentle enough, and felt near tears. But the near crying episode almost happened AFTER I realized that we had to walk to the car. And when I say walk, I mean about 4 blocks. Again, this may not seem far to the normal person, but to pregnoid me, who had already shook her uterus out after slamming her rear down on a hard seat in a fish filled restaurant, it pretty much sent me over the edge. I could just imagine my loose uterus plopping out on the corner of Congress Street. Oh, dear God!! I've lost my marbles. Also, let it be known that I'm also afraid to sneeze, or poop, or do anything that exerts energy, for the sake of a healthy pregnancy.

See? I told ya, I'm PREGNOID!!!!!!