Bionic baby

So, let me just say that after my pregnoid post, I saw a TV show where a pregnant woman who was SKYDIVING, had a freak accident and landed flat on her face. From what she said, she didn't know she was pregnant, but STILL!!!!

Her baby was fine. She pretty much broke her whole body, including her pelvis, but her baby managed to survive. Umm.... what? That baby must be bionic, and I'm still paranoid. What gives? I'd pay MONEY to be able to relax. Oh well, so it goes...

Hello world, meet.... PREGNOID!!

Dun-dun-DUNNNNN!!

(insert Godzilla theme music here)

So, I'm not sure if I'm pregnant or not, but I AM sure that I'm pregnoid.

What is pregnoid, you may ask? Well, that is when you are extremely paranoid about something happening to you while you are pregnant (or may be pregnant), and conjure up all sorts of ridiculous scenarios in your head.

I finally figured out that I was suffering from this when I was out to eat with my older sister after work. We decided to meet at a restaurant near our jobs, and once I realized that the restaurant was more of a "bar" environment, I freaked. I somehow felt as though being NEAR alcohol would be bad for me to be around. I started sweating when the waiter (scratch that, BARTENDER) asked me what I'd like to drink. I somehow managed to squeak out, "Water, ju-ju-just water". I'm certain that he must have assumed I was either a stuttering lunatic, sitting there sweating and shifting in my seat, or that I was underage and was trying to fake being legal. So I ordered a drink, not sure what it was, I just got what my sister was having. Then, we decide to look at the menu. FISH, and MORE FISH!! Anyone who knows me IRL, knows that I LOVE fish... It's delicious, I'd eat it every day if I could. Well, now that I'm in pregnant limbo, I felt as though just seeing the word FISH would certainly cause me to miscarry the phantom pregnancy that I thought up in my head, or that I would cause my nonexistent child to have some sort of mental issue. Finally, after making it through two hours of dinner without losing my cool, it was time to pay the bill. We almost forgot about the bill, and stood up to put our coats on. Then my sister said, "Oh, where do we pay?", and I sat back down. HARD. Well, probably not hard to the normal person, but hard enough for pregnoid me, to think that I probably caused my uterus to fall out in the booth. Commence total freak out. My heart started racing, and it took all of my power to relax again. I cursed myself for not being gentle enough, and felt near tears. But the near crying episode almost happened AFTER I realized that we had to walk to the car. And when I say walk, I mean about 4 blocks. Again, this may not seem far to the normal person, but to pregnoid me, who had already shook her uterus out after slamming her rear down on a hard seat in a fish filled restaurant, it pretty much sent me over the edge. I could just imagine my loose uterus plopping out on the corner of Congress Street. Oh, dear God!! I've lost my marbles. Also, let it be known that I'm also afraid to sneeze, or poop, or do anything that exerts energy, for the sake of a healthy pregnancy.

See? I told ya, I'm PREGNOID!!!!!!

GRRRRRRRRR!!! <--- Says my stomach.....

So, I'm STARVING! It's about 9:48AM, I've been at work for a little over two hours and I feel like I'm going to chew through my desk. Mind you, I've already had a bowl of oatmeal, and a breakfast sandwich (which was YUMMY), but my stomach is still growling! Also, I'm completely off sweets. Usually I crave cupcakes or fruit snacks, but now I'd rather have scrambled eggs.

I probably sound crazy saying all of this, but hey, it's my blog and I'll say what I want! LOL!

Even though we're on a TTC break for this month, I still find myself symptom spotting. But at least I'll be able to look back and know what my PMS symptoms are. Hunger is definitely added to the list.

Next time...

After I had my miscarriage, I was filled with so many thoughts about what I'd do differently "next time". It ranged from not being so stressed, to making sure my tea was decaf. I was a mad woman! I religiously took my prenatals, wrote down everything I was experiencing, tried to keep the news that I was expecting from anyone until I was in the "safe" zone, etc. But looking back, all I have is regrets. I'm sad that I wasn't able to enjoy my pregnancy while I was pregnant. That sucks. So I've decided that next time, I'll relax. I mean, I'm still going to take my vitamins but I'm not going to set my alarm clock for 5:15AM on Saturday and Sunday just so I can be sure I take them at the same time every day. I'm still going to make sure I'm drinking decaf tea, but I'm not going to FLIP OUT because my husband buys caffeinated beverages. I'm going to just enjoy being pregnant.

Life is short, we might as well enjoy it while it lasts. I think I'll be a happier person, and I know my husband will be happier. I've learned a valuable life lesson, appreciate what you have, because you sure will miss it when it's gone.

Hopefully we'll get pregnant again soon, it happened quickly last time, so I've set the bar pretty high for us.

::SIGH::

I'm finding it REALLY hard to be optimistic. In the midst of deciding whether or not we're going to try this month, I can't help but wonder if my previous pregnancy was a fluke. What if it's not that easy for us to conceive again? Even though all of my bloodwork came back normal, my final ultrasound came back normal, I still can't shake the feeling that we're not only going to have to try to conceive, but that we're going to have to try REALLY hard. On top of that, my husband isn't to fond of OPKs. To him, they take the romance out of everything. It's more like we have a schedule. I understand how he feels, so I don't talk to him about them.

I haven't even opened the box yet, and I'm not sure if I will this month. I want to be able to be confident in my next pregnancy, and right now, I won't be able to. I know that if I get a BFP this month, I'll be worried sick during the entire time, and I'm not so sure that's healthy. I've heard that it's completely normal, but I want the kind of normal that allows me to get a BFP, and then EXPECT a baby nine months later. And I'm just not at that point. I'm working on getting there.

If this time of year wasn't so hard for me, I'd probably be able to scrounge some optimism from somewhere. So, for right now, I've officially decided that February is out, C'MON MARCH!!!!!!!!!

Scared...

I NEVER in my entire life, thought I'd be scared to get pregnant. Heck, I lived most of my life thinking that I'd never be ABLE to get knocked up, and now here I am. With the decision of TTC looming over my head like a dark cloud, I can't help but feel scared. Now that I know that every positive pregnancy test doesn't end in a bouncing 7lb 8 oz bundle of joy, I'm terrified. I don't think I can go through that again.

I want children, my husband wants children. So there's no issue there. We're both ready, but I'm just feeling a little apprehensive about jumping back in. There are no guarantees at all. It's just a gamble. But hey, I guess that's life...

One BIG Step!

So, this morning I ran to CVS before work and bought a pack of OPKs! I'm so proud of myself! It might seem silly, but I was in such limbo about whether or not to TTC again after my MC. Now, we'll just see if I actually USE them. That will be a different story.

I talked to my husband's cousin yesterday, that was also a HUGE step for me because we were pregnant together and were due around the same time. Her pregnancy is going smoothly, and I'm super happy for her. It's just reminds me of what I'm going through... I didn't know that she had secretly battled with IF before. I really hope that she has a completely uneventful pregnancy and has a happy and healthy 9 months.

We'll see what happens with my OPKs, I can't make any promises for this month though!

Normal?

It finally seems as though things are calming down, and my body is returning to a state of "normal". The only thing is, I feel as though I'm starting from scratch. I used to know what my PMS symptoms were, what little aches and pains here and there were coming from. I was SO in tune with my body. Now, I don't feel the same way. I guess I should give myself a little bit of credit because I had been feeling a little crampy this past week and mentioned to my husband that I thought AF would be coming soon. I was right, she arrived yesterday. I'm actually glad because that means that my body is healing properly. YAY for that!

As far as TTC goes, I'm not sure what we'll do. If we'll wait a few cycles to make sure all is well, or if we'll jump on the bandwagon. I guess I'm pretty fortunate, some of the ladies on a miscarriage forum that I read still haven't received AF after 8 weeks.

Emotionally I'm still just present. This time of year is always hard for me, and experiencing a miscarriage makes it even harder. But I'll get through it, I always do!

Pulling it together...

So, I've decided to be more serious about my blog. I've had it for awhile, and I VERY rarely update it. The reason I created it was because I wanted a journal of my journey towards becoming a mom. I thought that it would be so neat to one day reflect on what it was like before I had a child.

I never posted about my previous pregnancy. And now that I'm no longer pregnant, I really wish that I would have. I wish I would have posted BFP pics, and wrote about my symptoms every day. That way I would have something to reflect on. So, I'm going to write a summary about my pregnancy today.

It started on December 19, 2009. I had a doctors appointment that morning, because I was having some sinus/flu-like symptoms. I expected for them to check me over, write me a prescription for some antibiotics, and send me on my way. I was a few days late on AF, but it had become slightly irregular. I had been feeling "off" though, hence the doctors appointment... So, the doctor comes in, checks me out, and tells me that she's going to write me a script for antibiotics (not surprised, because I have asthma). I inquired if me not feeling well could have made AF late, and she said not even almost. Then told me to pee in a cup, and told me she'd be back on three minutes.

30 seconds later, she came in and said, "You're PREGNANT!!" I about fell over. My husband and I hadn't tried that month. We weren't thinking about it anymore. And there I was, pregnant. I was in disbelief... My husband had asked me to take a test earlir that week, I refused thinking it would be a waste of money. So he called me after my doctors appointment and asked me what was going on, I completely lied. I told him she gave me a test and it was negative. I didn't want to tell my husband he was going to be a dad over the phone!

I had an eye appointment that same day, while waiting, I decided to go to Walmart. While I was there, I picked up a really cute yellow terry cloth bath robe, complete with a little duck hood. It was the cutest thing! After my eye appointment, I ran to CVS to pick up my prenatals, and I bought a box of pregnancy tests. When my husband came home, I had the robe on the dining room table, with a digital test that read PREGNANT. He was SO happy!!

We talked about baby names, and daycare, and who we thought the baby would take after. We were in HEAVEN.

The next day we went to the movies to see "Avatar". Once we got home, I was walking to our house and I slipped and fell on some ice. I really hurt my back and neck. I limped into the house and immediately laid down. After a couple of hours I felt okay. The next day I went to work and felt as though something was wrong. I went to the restroom, and that's when I saw it... BLOOD. Bright red blood. My heart started racing. I went back to my desk and called my husband. He was in the car before I could even get the words out. I tried to calm myself and I went to my boss's office and told her that I needed to leave. Immediately. Of course, she agreed.

We decided to go home first, so that I could grab the paperwork that I had got from the doctor. I went to the restroom there, and the blood had turned brown. I called the nurse at my OB's office, and she told me that if I wasn't cramping, and the blood was brown, that I should just get some rest. I stayed in bed the whole day.

The next day, I went back to work. I took it easy the entire morning. Only moving if I absolutely HAD too. Around lunchtime, I went to the bathroom. And that's where I saw it again, more blood. This time bright red again. I called my husband, he left work, I told my boss that I still wasn't feeling well and left work. This time, we drove straight to Urgent Care. They peformed a pregnancy test, which was positive, and then transferred me to the Emergency Room. I had a TON of tests done there, and waited about 5 hours before getting an ultrasound. It seem like it took ages for the results, since I wasn't allowed to see the screen. The doctor came back and told me that my HCG levels were 10,000, but that they didn't see a heartbeat, only a gestational sac and a yolk sac. He said that it could be too early, but usually with HCG levels that high, they see more. I was sent home with paperwork on Threatened Miscarriages.

I spent the rest of the week at home. I was still slightly bleeding, but it was tapering off to just light pink/brown. On December 25, 2009, I passed a blood clot the size of a nickle, and a small piece of pink tissue. I wouldn't have even seen it if I hadn't been checking religiously since I began bleeding. Of course I Googled. Oh, the horror! I called the doctor and she said that spotting and blood clots can be normal. She said I could go back to the ER if I was in pain, or I could wait until my regular appointment. I wasn't in pain, so I waited. Over the next few days, I took about 12 pregnancy tests. All were positive. I felt relieved, and started to have faith in my pregnancy. At my doctors appointment on January 7, 2010, I had even more labs done, as well as a pelvic exam. My doctor later told me that everything looked great. I was so excited! My husband started telling a few of his friends, I told more family members. We were in a complete state of bliss. I actually started looking forward to my ultrasound that was scheduled for January 13, 2010. I was so excited, in fact, that I didn't noticed that many of my pregnancy symptoms had started to fade.

On the morning of January 13, 2010 I was a nervous wreck. I had to work that day, and my ultrasound was scheduled for that afternoon. When I got in the room, my bladder was ready to burst. The tech was probing around the gel had turned cold, I was just miserable... I noticed that she went quiet. Then she asked me if I'd had a pregnancy test. I knew immediately that things were not good. She then let me up to use the restroom, and stated that she was going to do an internal. While doing the internal, another tech pulled up my records. I asked her want my beta levels were at my last appointment and she informed me that my OB hadn't ordered any. I couldn't believe it!!! My OB had told me everything was fine just based on my pelvic. I then told the tech that I should be eight and a half weeks, and that my beta levels were 10,000 on December 19, 2009. She looked so sad and told me that my uterus was completely empty. No sac, no thickened lining. Almost as if I'd never been pregnant. I was in shock.

I still don't think I've come to terms with what happened. I was so excited about becoming a mom... Now I feel as though I've been tainted. I no longer believe that BFP automatically means a living, breathing baby. I know that it can mean loss. And that sucks. I wish I was still naive...

Miscarriage

Well... I've just suffered a miscarriage. My doctors appointment was yesterday and I had an ultrasound. According to all the tests that I had done previously, I was supposed to be 8 weeks 4 days. I did have some bleeding and cramping throughout my pregnancy, and it was confirmed yesterday that the baby did not survive.

I actually feel fine. My husband is okay, I'm okay. We're just ready to move on to the next phase. I believe that this is greatly due to the fact that we were held in limbo during the entire pregnancy. I had bleeding very early on, was told that I was experiencing a "Threatened Miscarriage" at only 5 weeks 5 days, and although my doctors appointment on January 7th revealed everything to be normal (with no ultrasound performed), I still kind of knew that it wasn't.

Everyone has been so nice and supportive. My sisters are great, they've been calling, texting, and emailing. Even though I was trying to keep everything a secret until I hit 12 weeks, I'm kind of glad that it was leaked out.

The bleeding had stopped awhile ago, so I'm not in any pain or anything. I actually feel pretty good, considering. We'll see what the future holds...