So, I've decided to be more serious about my blog. I've had it for awhile, and I VERY rarely update it. The reason I created it was because I wanted a journal of my journey towards becoming a mom. I thought that it would be so neat to one day reflect on what it was like before I had a child.
I never posted about my previous pregnancy. And now that I'm no longer pregnant, I really wish that I would have. I wish I would have posted BFP pics, and wrote about my symptoms every day. That way I would have something to reflect on. So, I'm going to write a summary about my pregnancy today.
It started on December 19, 2009. I had a doctors appointment that morning, because I was having some sinus/flu-like symptoms. I expected for them to check me over, write me a prescription for some antibiotics, and send me on my way. I was a few days late on AF, but it had become slightly irregular. I had been feeling "off" though, hence the doctors appointment... So, the doctor comes in, checks me out, and tells me that she's going to write me a script for antibiotics (not surprised, because I have asthma). I inquired if me not feeling well could have made AF late, and she said not even almost. Then told me to pee in a cup, and told me she'd be back on three minutes.
30 seconds later, she came in and said, "You're PREGNANT!!" I about fell over. My husband and I hadn't tried that month. We weren't thinking about it anymore. And there I was, pregnant. I was in disbelief... My husband had asked me to take a test earlir that week, I refused thinking it would be a waste of money. So he called me after my doctors appointment and asked me what was going on, I completely lied. I told him she gave me a test and it was negative. I didn't want to tell my husband he was going to be a dad over the phone!
I had an eye appointment that same day, while waiting, I decided to go to Walmart. While I was there, I picked up a really cute yellow terry cloth bath robe, complete with a little duck hood. It was the cutest thing! After my eye appointment, I ran to CVS to pick up my prenatals, and I bought a box of pregnancy tests. When my husband came home, I had the robe on the dining room table, with a digital test that read PREGNANT. He was SO happy!!
We talked about baby names, and daycare, and who we thought the baby would take after. We were in HEAVEN.
The next day we went to the movies to see "Avatar". Once we got home, I was walking to our house and I slipped and fell on some ice. I really hurt my back and neck. I limped into the house and immediately laid down. After a couple of hours I felt okay. The next day I went to work and felt as though something was wrong. I went to the restroom, and that's when I saw it... BLOOD. Bright red blood. My heart started racing. I went back to my desk and called my husband. He was in the car before I could even get the words out. I tried to calm myself and I went to my boss's office and told her that I needed to leave. Immediately. Of course, she agreed.
We decided to go home first, so that I could grab the paperwork that I had got from the doctor. I went to the restroom there, and the blood had turned brown. I called the nurse at my OB's office, and she told me that if I wasn't cramping, and the blood was brown, that I should just get some rest. I stayed in bed the whole day.
The next day, I went back to work. I took it easy the entire morning. Only moving if I absolutely HAD too. Around lunchtime, I went to the bathroom. And that's where I saw it again, more blood. This time bright red again. I called my husband, he left work, I told my boss that I still wasn't feeling well and left work. This time, we drove straight to Urgent Care. They peformed a pregnancy test, which was positive, and then transferred me to the Emergency Room. I had a TON of tests done there, and waited about 5 hours before getting an ultrasound. It seem like it took ages for the results, since I wasn't allowed to see the screen. The doctor came back and told me that my HCG levels were 10,000, but that they didn't see a heartbeat, only a gestational sac and a yolk sac. He said that it could be too early, but usually with HCG levels that high, they see more. I was sent home with paperwork on Threatened Miscarriages.
I spent the rest of the week at home. I was still slightly bleeding, but it was tapering off to just light pink/brown. On December 25, 2009, I passed a blood clot the size of a nickle, and a small piece of pink tissue. I wouldn't have even seen it if I hadn't been checking religiously since I began bleeding. Of course I Googled. Oh, the horror! I called the doctor and she said that spotting and blood clots can be normal. She said I could go back to the ER if I was in pain, or I could wait until my regular appointment. I wasn't in pain, so I waited. Over the next few days, I took about 12 pregnancy tests. All were positive. I felt relieved, and started to have faith in my pregnancy. At my doctors appointment on January 7, 2010, I had even more labs done, as well as a pelvic exam. My doctor later told me that everything looked great. I was so excited! My husband started telling a few of his friends, I told more family members. We were in a complete state of bliss. I actually started looking forward to my ultrasound that was scheduled for January 13, 2010. I was so excited, in fact, that I didn't noticed that many of my pregnancy symptoms had started to fade.
On the morning of January 13, 2010 I was a nervous wreck. I had to work that day, and my ultrasound was scheduled for that afternoon. When I got in the room, my bladder was ready to burst. The tech was probing around the gel had turned cold, I was just miserable... I noticed that she went quiet. Then she asked me if I'd had a pregnancy test. I knew immediately that things were not good. She then let me up to use the restroom, and stated that she was going to do an internal. While doing the internal, another tech pulled up my records. I asked her want my beta levels were at my last appointment and she informed me that my OB hadn't ordered any. I couldn't believe it!!! My OB had told me everything was fine just based on my pelvic. I then told the tech that I should be eight and a half weeks, and that my beta levels were 10,000 on December 19, 2009. She looked so sad and told me that my uterus was completely empty. No sac, no thickened lining. Almost as if I'd never been pregnant. I was in shock.
I still don't think I've come to terms with what happened. I was so excited about becoming a mom... Now I feel as though I've been tainted. I no longer believe that BFP automatically means a living, breathing baby. I know that it can mean loss. And that sucks. I wish I was still naive...
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