Computer

Sorry for the lack of updates! We returned our previous computer in order to get a new one, but we don't pick it up until tomorrow. So, I'm stuck updating at work. I tried to update on my cell phone, but that was so frustrating, it wouldn't go through!

I'll be back tomorrow afternoon! Really don't want to post from work.

Feelin' GOOD!

I definitely woke up on the RIGHT side of the bed this morning. I feel SO good! Going to sleep really early might continue to be my new thing. When I wake up (well, I still hit the snooze button a few times), I feel great and energized. My skin is still SO clear. Wow! I just kept staring at myself in the mirror this morning in disbelief.

It was a little hard for me to go to sleep yesterday, even though I was tired, because my "headlights" were on fire. It felt like someone was sticking hot needles in them. But eventually, I was knocked out, and my husband woke me up to eat. I wasn't hungry, so I just watched TV for a bit before going back to sleep.

Another thing that has been feeling good, is that usually my PMS brings along low self-esteem. I feel ugly, hate my body, etc. But NOW, I feel SO beautiful. I love it!

Oh, and my neighbor is PREGNANT!!! I'm SO excited for her. We became good friends with her and her husband, I can't wait to watch her get a baby bump. Usually pregnancy news would make me feel sad, but not this time. See, great mood! :-)

Out of control symptom spotting!!

This TWW is really getting to my head. Yesterday, I went to bed at 6PM. I was just SO tired, and couldn't bear to stay up and longer. I was so cold when I got home, that I slept in my robe, and covered up with a sheet and comforter. Then I noticed that my legs were warm to the touch, but my body seemed so cold. I asked my DH if I felt warm to him, and he said I did. (I'm not sure if that is a symptom or not, but so be it.) Even now, I'm freezing, I wish I had a blanket!!

I'm kind of apprehensive about mentioning this next bit. But only because if AF does decide to show, I'm afraid I'll look crazy. Anyways, my, um... "headlights" have been HURTING! It feels like electricity is zipping through them, with a bit of a warm feeling. They don't just hurt to the touch, they just plain hurt. I usually have sensitive "headlights" after OV, but then it goes away. After I received my positive OPK, they were sore. Then the soreness went away, and now it's back with a vengeance.

So, yeah. My symptom spotting is OUT OF CONTROL!! I'm scrutinizing every little twinge, but it does make the TWW go by faster.

Today has been...... strange.

My left side has had a pulling sensation ALL day, and currently there is a slight burning sensation. For the life of me, I can't remember if this is a PMS symptom or not. I've had a really hard time finding things to eat lately. Nothing sounds good. I even brought some of my favorite snacks to work today, and barely touched them. Also, I've been very drained. Yesterday I went to bed around 8PM.

It might not help that I've been scouring the interwebs all day for early pregnancy symptoms (shaking my head). I think I've COMPLETELY lost it. But, that's what I do when I obsess over pregnancy symptoms.

A few of the ladies that belong to the same miscarriage forum that I do, have already gotten their post-MC BFPs. As happy as I am for them, I can't wait until I'm in the same boat!!!

I've also been experiencing slight nausea all day. It happened this morning. At times, it's hard for me to talk through it. I have to keep swallowing. I notice I feel that way when I'm hungry.

Well, that's all for now. Even if this cycle doesn't end in a BFP, at least it'll give me a glimpse of my pre-AF symptoms.

Yuck!

My husband has been asking me to make homemade meatloaf and mashed potatoes for awhile now, and it finally happened yesterday. I almost gave up halfway through preparing everything because I was SO tired! But I did finish, and everything turned out great. But you'd have to take my husbands word for it, because I didn't eat ANY! I was feeling so yucky! The thought of eating the meat just didn't appeal to me. And I woke up feeling pretty ill this morning. I kept feeling like I had to burp or vomit. But in my heart, I believe that I'm just on a ridiculous symptom spotting mission. I'm still experiencing slight side pain in my left side. It's noticeable, but not really painful. I wish I took more note of my PMS symptoms, because I think that side pain may be one of them.

I did eat a whole pack of Fruit Roll-ups at 9AM this morning. I was hungry and nothing sounded good, so I ate them. They tasted SOOO good going down, but now I feel even sicker. Bleh!!

I've been browsing some new blogs lately. I love reading new blogs and hearing other people's stories.

Good

Today has been pretty nice. I was really dreading coming in to work, but it hasn't really been that bad at all. Most of it probably has to do with my attitude, which is WAY better. I'm actually in a good mood! But very tired.

So, just for kicks, I'm going to symptom spot. I know I have a fat chance of being pregnant this month, but I don't want to count anything out, just in case.

My left side is burning, kind of feels like pre-OV pains.
Woke up yesterday and cooked chicken for breakfast. (HAD to have hot sauce with it, almost cried because I couldn't find the hot sauce.)
I TOTALLY went off meat this afternoon. Looking at it made me feel ill (this is after I'd already had a breakfast sandwich with bacon.)
Super tired
Super thirsty

I think that's about it. Really doesn't seem too convincing. I'm sure it's all PMS related. A girl can dream, can't she??

Emotional

I've been feeling very emotional lately. One minute I'm ready to cry, and the next minute I'm angry. There is just so much going on right now. Work has been really stressful, I dread going in every day. My supervisor is NUTS. I swear she's bipolar, and everyone agrees. Sadly, there isn't much I can do about it, but I love my job, so I'm just going to suck it up and try to do my best. I'm trying not to get stressed over things that I can't control.

I'm also in the process of trying to shed a few pounds. Some people think that's crazy, they consider me to be thin already, but I can't fit hardly any of my jeans!! And it's not just a recent thing, I've been gradually adding a few pounds here and there over the past two years. I just want to get back to my "comfy" weight.

Not much to update about on the TTC front. I'm still unsure whether or not I actually ovulated, and if I did we probably didn't catch that precious eggy this month. I'm actually coming to terms with the fact that this month isn't our month. And that's okay, my original plan was to begin TTC next month. This month would have just been a bonus. I did go through my pregnancy journal this afternoon, and honestly, it was hard for me. I enjoyed being pregnant SO much, it was one of the happiest moments in my life. My husband and I would stay up all night thinking about babies and picking out names, discussing how we'd tell our family. *SIGH* But one day, we'll experience that joy again. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. I've also been trying to keep busy. I'm working on my "Baby Bucket List", which is really fun. I actually hope that I get to cross some things off of that list before "Baby V" decides to arrive.

What IS this???

I've been mean lately. And not just a little mean, REALLY mean. I'm not sure why. The way I feel now, almost feels like PMS on steroids. I'll have tears in my eyes, on the brink of rolling down my cheeks, and feel heat running through my veins, ready to go postal on anyone who is near. I don't get it.

I'm not usually like this, I have been fairly stressed at work. But I find that the smallest, most simple things are pushing me over the edge. I feel like I have PMS.

At least tomorrow is Friday, but I'm thinking about calling in and giving myself a long weekend. I think I deserve it. I don't like feeling this way, and I don't believe that anyone else likes to be around me while I'm like this either.

Feeling alone

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my husband about us TTC. We both know that we want children, we both don't feel the need to protect against pregnancy, I thought we were both on the same page in regards to "trying". However, I was wrong.

My husband doesn't want to know when I'm ovulating or when I'm in my "fertile period". He said that he doesn't want to know about my OPKs, or anything else that has to do with my fertility. When I give him the heads up when we're nearing a point that it would be good to try to conceive, he stated that it makes him feel uncomfortable. I don't get it. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to know when the best chances are to conceive a child, that he wants so much, would be. I mean, isn't that the point of TTC? Tracking your fertility so that you can get pregnant and have a baby?

Matter of fact, he told me that when I'm ovulating I should "lie to him" and just act like I'm feeling particularly frisky, instead of telling him that we should get down to business in order to procreate. I don't feel like I should have to lie to anyone about anything. According to him, it takes the romance out of things when he knows that we are doing the deed to create a particular outcome. In my opinion, knowing that our love could create life is almost romantic in a way. But men will be men.

It makes me feel so alone in this whole TTC process. My family doesn't really know, or support, the fact that we want children, so I don't talk to them about it. I don't have parents that I can go to, I'm not sure how much my friends would understand. So that leave him, my other half, the one I declared in front of everyone that I would spend the rest of my life with. We're supposed to be there for each other. This situation makes me want to stop trying all together.

I may be hormonal, irritated, on edge, on the verge of tears, etc. But I do feel as though my feelings are valid. Making my husband understand my point of view is my goal, but I know it's going to be hard. Why can't things just be easy?

Confused

So, my plan yesterday was for me to come home, take another OPK, see a positive result, BD and repeat today. Well, that plan was a huge FAIL!!!

When I got home yesterday, I raced to the bathroom grabbed my box of OPKs and took one. Negative.... There were two lines, but the test line was obviously lighter than the control line. Insert confusion here. Then I started doubting the OPKs that I had taken that morning. They were clearly positive, the test line was WAYY darker than the control line. I even took a picture of them yesterday morning, before they dried up, and they are SO positive.

The reason that I'm so confused is because I always have three consecutive days of positive OPKs. So I'm wondering if maybe I missed my chance. DH and I also didn't BD yesterday. He was tired and so was I. We were both asleep by 9:30PM. Surprisingly, I'm not freaking out. My plan wasn't to try this month anyways, but I ended up having a change of heart. I usually test everyday following my period, until I get a positive, and then I follow it back until it turns negative. This month I didn't do that because we weren't trying. This may be TMI, but my cervix is still really high and soft, so maybe we'll get a BD session in today "just in case", but I'm not sure if it'll do any good. My side is burning, but it has been for about five days now.

This morning I took another one, and it was negative. So I just don't get it. And I believe that it's accurate, because the one I took this morning was another BRAND. So I got a negative yesterday on one brand, and a negative this morning on another brand.

We'll see what happens. Now I wish I hadn't even taken an OPK at all because I know the symptom spotting is going to follow. Sheesh!

I was so happy yesterday, I felt like things were back on track, and that I was actually on the verge of really TTC again. Today I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me. Emotionally I feel ready, but maybe I'm not physically. Maybe my body hasn't healed yet, which is why I'm getting such mixed signals. Whatever the case, I'm going to continue to do my best and give my body the best chance I can at conceiving and carrying full term. I wanted to be pregnant before my wedding anniversary (which is July 22nd), but now I'm not going to put an actual month on it. I don't want to feel pressured. It's been 3 months since my miscarriage, I shouldn't be stressing out about TTC.