Trying to get over the fear

I'm really trying as hard as I can to relax and take it easy. I'm usually a very optimistic person, so I'm quite surprised to see how pessimistic I'm being about this pregnancy. I've decided that I'm going to wish this pregnancy well, so to speak. I'm not going to think negatively, or worry about what could go wrong, because quite honestly, that's just life. Nothing is guaranteed, so I should just be happy with what I have for as long as I have it.

I can't control the outcome of this pregnancy, so I'm determined to enjoy it while I can.

As I've read on many blogs before:

"Today I am pregnant, and I love my baby!!"

Regardless of what happens, I'm so thankful to be in the place. All my life I've wondered if I'll be able to conceive, and I have. So I just need to have faith, relax, and be thankful.

Food cravings

For the first time in this pregnancy, there are actually a few food items that I desire. It makes me feel so good to think about eating something, and not want to throw up. Although the nausea is subsiding, I still have a few pukey moments.

The list of things I'm currently enjoying (food wise) are:

Pickles - I ate a WHOLE jar on Tuesday, and half a jar yesterday. I just can't get enough!!
Lemonade - Not the cheap kind, LOL! But the Simply Lemonade, and Nantucket Nectar's Lemonade.
Pretzels - Since my appetite has kind of picked up, I find that I'm hungry after I eat. Pretzels have been a lifesaver. They are just salty enough, and are so yummy! I ate a WHOLE bag yesterday. Not the small personal sized bags, but the regular family sized bag. I need to slow down though, although they were a brand that had less sodium, I still shouldn't be eating that much salt. But I'm drawn to salty foods.

That's about it. I'm usually a cheese fanatic, but I find the taste of mozzarella cheese to be unpleasant. I was bringing string cheese to work for a quick snack, but after one bite I had to throw it away.

I've decided to take a more positive stance regarding my pregnancy and just try to enjoy it. I can't control the outcome, good or bad, so I might as well relax and just go along for the ride.

10 Weeks Down/ 30 to Go!!

How far along? 10 weeks exactly

Total weight gain/loss: Still down, about 5 lbs

Sleep: TONS! I'm still pretty exhausted. I've been staying up past 9PM lately, but I really feel it the next day.

Food cravings: Pickles, I might stop and buy some on the way home. It's the only thing that sounds good. Still struggling with food, but it seems to be getting a little bit better.

Best moment this week: Realizing that I'm 1/4 of the way done! Time feels like it's creeping by, but it isn't.

Movement: Still too early for that. Can't wait!

Gender: I have no clue, one day I'll think girl, and the next day I'll swear I'm going to have a boy.

Labor Signs: Not for a LONG time!!

Belly Button in or out? Still in. It's so weird to me how my stomach can look pretty normal in the morning, but by the afternoon it's HUGELY bloated.

What I miss: Feeling normal. I miss not stressing over every single thing. I worry if the baby is still alive, I worry about if I'm eating enough, I worry about if this pregnancy is actually going to result in a real live baby. I just worry. And it's starting to take a toll on me.

What I am looking forward to: My next ultrasound, and hitting the second trimester. Only a few more weeks!

Weekly Wisdom: It's normal for symptoms to come and go. I was nervous because I wasn't nauseous one day, only to feel pretty bad the next.

Milestones: Staying sane for another week! Woo-hoo! I'm proud of myself.

This pregnancy has really been a struggle for me. I really wish that I could be more optimistic and hopeful about everything, but I'm still really scarred emotionally from the miscarriage I had in December. Even though it was a completely different situation (I had bleeding almost from the moment I found out I was pregnant), it still haunts me. I feel like I'm just waiting with baited breath for the other shoe to drop. It's really hard. I wish I hadn't told anyone. Sometimes I want to forget that I'm pregnant, and I also find that I'm wishing time away. I know that stress isn't good for me or the baby, so I need to figure out a way to put my mind at ease. I considered buying a Doppler, but I really wonder if that will help me or harm me. If I can't find the heartbeat one day, I'll FREAK OUT. And I just don't know if it's a good idea for me to put myself through that. I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

9 Weeks!!!!

9 Week Survey
How far along? 9 weeks exactly

Total weight gain/loss: I'm not 100% sure, but I think I'm still down about 5 or 6 lbs.

Sleep: Still sleeping great, I noticed a lot of pressure when I sleep on my belly, so I'm trying to turn myself into a side sleeper. It's hard though, I've slept on my stomach for YEARS!!

Food cravings: My appetite seems to be creeping back. I'm hungry all the time now. Still feeling nauseous at times, but eating makes it better. Food still tastes weird at times, but my stomach growls anyways...

Best moment this week: Feeling as though I actually look pregnant! (Even though it was just bloat, a girl can dream can't she?)

Movement: Not yet, I can't wait for those days!!

Gender: I have no clue, one day I'll think girl, and the next day I'll swear I'm going to have a boy.

Labor Signs: Not for a LONG time!!

Belly Button in or out? In, I think it's going to stay that way for a while.

What I miss: Not being paranoid. I worry about every little thing, I hope I'm able to relax soon.

What I am looking forward to: I'm still anticipating entering the 2nd trimester. Only three more weeks! Hopefully I'll have another ultrasound soon, I keep feeling like I'm living a dream. I need to see my baby moving around in order to make this seem real.

Weekly Wisdom: Cramps aren't always a bad thing. I was freaking out because I kept feeling some cramping, but apparently it's just everything making room in there. As long as there isn't any spotting it can actually be a good sign.

Milestones: Entering my third month. Woo-hoo! It seems like just yesterday I was feeling down because I wasn't pregnant, and now I'm beginning my third month. I'm so happy! If only I could quit worrying! LOL!

Major Bloat/ Food aversions

It is normal to be this bloated at eight and a half weeks? Geez, I look like I swallowed a soccer ball or something. I'm not complaining, I'm completely in love with my faux baby bump. I know that it's all bloat and not baby at this point, but it's pretty noticeable and is there ALL the time. It does get bigger in the evenings or after I eat though.

I'm still touch and go with food. My husband and I went to a concert last night with my sister and her husband, and another couple. Beforehand we went out to dinner, it was a seafood restaurant which I thought was great because I LOVE seafood. So of course I ordered a $30 meal. And what did I eat? The soup, and the asparagus. And that's it. No, I didn't eat the crab cake, or the crab bake (which was pretty much lump crab meat with Parmesan cheese on it that was baked until the top was golden brown). I also didn't eat the soft shell crab. The mere sight of that food made my stomach hurt. But the soup was delicious. And I even had the audacity to order dessert! :-)

So my husband officially banned me from going to restaurants until I figure out my new taste buds. Oh, I also found out that I didn't like something that I've loved for years! Strawberries!! They tasted like penicillin. Seriously, I thought I was eating antibiotics. It freaked me out, so I pushed them aside and ran to get my husband to come taste them. He took a bite, and looked at me like I had two heads. Great, so now he really thinks I'm crazy! I did chow down on a jar of pickles and some Popsicles. And I totally plan on eating Honey Nut Cheerios for dinner. The next few months are definitely going to be interesting.....

I've also noticed that it hurts to have anything pressing on my stomach. I haven't come "out" yet at work, so I've still been wearing my regular clothes as much as I can. I'm usually a belt wearer, so I've kept wearing them (only looser), but they HURT. The pressure of my jeans on my belly hurts, the elastic on my underwear hurts. At this rate I'll be in all maternity clothes by the time I hit 10 weeks!!! I finally had to break down and order some Bella-Bands. I'll be 9 weeks on Tuesday, and I plan on telling my job when I hit the second trimester, so thankfully I only have a few more weeks to go. Since the weather is nice, I'll be wearing more dresses and skirts to help hide my baby bloat.

I think I'm going crazy...

This pregnancy has brought out a totally new side of me. I've completely lost my mind. Between the super scary nightmares I've been having (which are so vivid I could swear that they are real!) to my feeling completely positive about this pregnancy and then minutes later swearing that it's over.

My emotions are completely up and down at the moment. But I hear that's normal.

My days pretty much consist of poking my "girls" to make sure they are still sore. Poke.... OUCH!!! Poke.... OUCH!!! and so on and so forth. It's ridiculous!

Also, a lot of my time is spent thinking that my pregnancy symptoms are vanishing. I do hear that it's normal for them to come and go. I'll have been nauseous ALL day the day before. And then the next day, at 5AM I'm laying in bed freaking out because I'm not nauseous yet, only to feel horrible for the rest of the day. How do people make it from one doctors appointment to the next without freaking out? I promised myself I wouldn't be THAT person. But the fear of the unknown still looms over my head like a dark cloud. Knowing that everything could end in a second makes my heart skip a beat. Oh boy, what I would give to be naive again.

I used to think my paranoia would cease once I hit twelve weeks, but now I'm not so sure that it will. Heck, I don't think it will EVER go away, even after the baby is born I'll still worry that the baby is still breathing, eating enough, happy enough, warm enough, etc. So I guess I should just get used to it. I know I should take it one day at a time. But it's difficult.

On the upside, I'm not religiously checking for spotting anymore. I'm proud of myself for doing that. Also, I haven't had even a speck of blood since my ultrasound. So that gives me some peace of mind. But now I need another ultrasound so I can see my baby with it's heart still beating, and know that things are okay. I really need them to be okay. In my heart I feel as though this is really it, we will really get our baby this time. But my mind is so much wiser. My mind knows that anything can happen...

8 Weeks!!!!

8 Week Survey
How far along? 8 week exactly
Total weight gain/loss: Down about 6 lbs. (Bad, I know, I'm trying to eat more.)
Sleep: Yes!! I love sleep, I've been taking naps at work during my break/lunch.
Food cravings: Nonexistent, I'm still battling with food. It's really hard to eat, the nausea comes and goes, but my appetite is just GONE!
Best moment this week: Telling more family members, it's always nice to see their excitement!
Movement: Not yet, I can't wait for those days!!
Gender: Still thinking girl.
Labor Signs: Not for a LONG time!!
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Really nothing, I'd love to get my appetite back, but I don't really miss anything.
What I am looking forward to: Hitting the second trimester, one more month!
Weekly Wisdom: Time flies when you're having fun. When I first found out I was expecting, eight weeks seemed AGES away, and now I'm here. I'm just trying to enjoy every moment of being pregnant (even the gagging after I brush my teeth).
Milestones: Hitting two months. That sounds so different than six weeks, or seven weeks. I'm TWO MONTHS PREGNANT! Woo-HOO!!

Weight Loss

Due to the nausea I've been experiencing, I'm down almost 8 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. I knew something was up when I was at my doctors appointment last week, and I weighed less with all my clothes on (and shoes) than I did previously undressed.

Food definitely has NOT been my friend. Everything sounds so gross, even the foods that I used to love aren't appealing. Thankfully, I'm not vomiting, but I'm so nauseous that all I want to do it lay down and sleep. Yesterday, the only thing I was able to eat ALL day was 2 ice cream bars, a bagel, four pickles, and a bottle of water. Not good. Baby needs more nutrients than that. Thank goodness for prenatal vitamins!!

I'm going to try to follow the "pregnancy diet" that my doctor recommends. It includes lots of fruit, grain, and vegetables. Hopefully that'll stop me from losing weight. I'm only five pounds away from my pre-marriage weight, and a lot of people thought I was too thin back then.

I totally have a new respect for people who have REALLY BAD morning sickness. I feel horrible just being nauseous, at this point I couldn't imagine vomiting every day.

Hunger vs. Nausea

The nausea kicked in with full force at around 6 weeks. Before then, I was just feeling nauseous every now and then, but now I feel nauseous every day. It may sound odd, but it's actually kind of reassuring to me.

There has been an ongoing battle between my nausea and appetite. The thought of food makes me feel sick, yet not eating makes me feel even worse. Yesterday my husband and I stopped by Pizza Hut for a carryout. I had been feeling extremely hungry after work (I'd only managed to eat a few french fries during the day), and I knew that I should eat soon. We pulled up to Pizza Hut and my husband went inside to pick up our order. While he was in there, I felt extremely shaky and lightheaded. When he came out, he took one look at me and told me we were going to sit and eat a slice before we drove home. As soon as he opened the box, I thought I was going to hurl. I had to take deep measured breaths, and really concentrate in order to keep whatever was in my stomach, IN MY STOMACH. Finally, I picked up a slice and took a teeny tiny bite. I felt HORRIBLE! I just kept eating, hoping that it would help the nausea go away, and finally I felt some relief. Good grief, that was by far one of the toughest points yet. I thought I was going to pass out and throw up at the same time.

I've been told that I should eat every two hours, but it's hard. When the thought of food makes you feel sick, it's difficult to actually eat. And the food that I normally like doesn't sound appetizing any more. My husband suggested that I try pickles. Anyone that knows me IRL, knows that I LOVE pickles, but I'm scared that I won't like them anymore. And if I throw up after I eat something, I no longer like it. I used to love grapefruit, but I ate it and it didn't stay down, now I can't even think about it.

But I'll take all this, and more, if it means that things are progressing well with this pregnancy.

My bladder is a comedian

Before I found out I was pregnant, I had experienced frequent urination. But that was soon overshadowed by a multitude of other pregnancy symptoms, enough so that I forgot all about it. Well, my bladder has decided to be funny. HA. ha....

Yesterday at work, as I was feeling delirious, and nauseous and trying with every fiber in my being to look "normal", I had this urge to pee. Normally, it'll be like, "Hmm.. I should go to the bathroom soon." Nope, not this time, this time it was, "OMG, I think I'm gonna pee my pants, RUN FOREST, RUN!!!" So I bolted out of my chair, and ran to the bathroom. As soon as I got there, I almost broke my zipper trying to snatch my pants off, and immediately struck the "don't wanna sit on the toilet seat so I'm going to hover my butt" pose. I expected immediate relief. Nadda. Zip, zilch, ZERO! Then finally, one friggin' drop of pee came out. I turned around and stared at the toilet bowl (still in the hover-butt pose) in disbelief. C'mon, seriously? I thought I was going to pee at my desk, only to get to the bathroom and have ONE STINKIN' drop come out? So I finished my business, washed my hands, and proceeded to exit the bathroom. Feeling slightly irritated. As soon as I hit the hallway, I had the urge to pee again. I rolled my eyes at my bladder, and proceeded to my desk.

As soon as I sat down, I felt it again. Go PEE, GO PEE NOW!! I sat there for a second and was like "Forget it... I'm not falling for this again." I continued working, growing more and more uncomfortable. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and went back to the bathroom. This time, it was like the flood gates opened. Seriously, I think I pee'd an ocean. It was like it was non-stop. I thought the toilet was going to overflow. Craziness!

So, there you have it. My bladder thinks it is SO funny. Well buddy, joke's over, I'm officially naming you a one hit wonder.