It's BAAACK!!

And with a vengeance....

Sigh. I'm almost in tears typing this.

Pregnancy envy sucks!!

A coworker of mine may be pregnant. I don't know for sure, but I just about lost it when I found out. I felt like I was going to vomit, and I felt dizzy and like I couldn't breathe. I thought this was over. The decision has been made to take a break, so I should be okay with any news of new pregnancies. Why am I not over this????

I seriously don't get it. But, I'll be okay. That is the one thing that I know for sure. My husband's cousin is having people over next weekend. I can't go. I just can't. There is no way I can sit there, feeling empty, while I see her prancing around with her cute baby bump. The thought of it makes me feel nauseous.

One day, I'll be looking back at this very moment shaking my head, wishing I could go back in time and tell myself to just be patient, don't stress, just RELAX, that my time will come. I keep telling myself that. There are women all over the world who have probably felt like I do, and they have experienced a loss (or losses) and have went on to have children. I will survive.

Babies and Pregnancy.... EVERYWHERE!!

I never did take that test yesterday. The thought of staring at one line made me feel as though my head was going to burst. I did, however, use an OPK (not as an HPT) to see if I was OV'ing, and it was negative. Which was really weird. I usually OV on cd 19 (which was yesterday). It wasn't that weird. I've been stressed lately, so it could've delayed ovulation. And I wasn't tracking it, so I could have OV'ed earlier. I'm going to check again today because of some side pain I had earlier.

After I got home from work yesterday, I turned on the TV. Every.Single.Show was about pregnancy or babies. I swear!! I watched Marley & Me, Jenny wanted a baby and went on to have one miscarriage and three children; Kourtney Kardashian thought and then went on to find out she was pregnant; America's Funniest Home Videos was spewing out clips of adorable babies; I watched Bride Wars and thought I was in the clear, until the end of the movie when both brides (now wives) shout out that they are pregnant. And that's just naming a few. What THEE heck?!?!?!? Can a girl get a break? C'mon!

Mixed Feelings

My husband and I were having dinner last night, when out of nowhere he said, "When we have kids I want to make sure we eat dinner together, just like this, without the television on, so we can just enjoy each others company."

That's all it took for me to start to unravel again.

I probably sound like a broken record by saying this, but I just don't understand how my husband can be SO certain that we are going to be parents one day. He never waivers in his decision to extend our family. I'm so jealous of that! I wish I could be that confident.

I'm still feeling pretty relaxed about TTC. I don't want to track my ovulation or anything like that. But I still have the desire to be a mom. At least the sting of jealousy is not nonexistant when I hear about close friends or family members being pregnant. I think that was the hardest part of all.

Earlier today, I spoke with my husband and told him that I'm not feeling well. He immediate asked me, "Do you feel pregnant?" That COMPLETELY seemed out of the blue to me. No, I don't feel pregnant, no I don't want to POAS, no I don't want to even TALK about it. I feel like my allergies are acting up. He wants me to POAS (pee on a stick) tomorrow morning, just to prove to him that I'm not. The last thing I want to do right now is take a HPT. I KNOW it's going to be negative. And I'm afraid all of my emotions are going to come flooding back at once. Seeing negative HPTs is a sore subject to me. It brings back the hurt each time. Ugh, I have mixed feelings about this one. There is absolutely NO WAY I can be pregnant right now. It's impossible. I usually ovulate on or around CD19, and I'm only ON CD19 right now. So it doesn't make sense to me. So now I'm going to wake up in the morning with a negative HPT staring at me. Oh joy....

Still truckin' along

I'm hanging in there. I've started working out, and eating healthier. It's allowed me to feel MUCH better! I'm so happy! And when it comes to seeing preggo's and babies, I'm still calm and cool.

I've had chances when I could've used an OPK, and I DIDN'T! (Gasp!) Also, I'm not trying to figure out every little twitch or tingle. I'm just letting it go. It feels SO good to say that. I haven't been in this state of mind in FOREVER.

So I'm still taking care of me, enjoying my hubby, and just enjoying being 23. I have enough responsibility for the moment as it is...

Better

I'm doing SO much better. I feel more relaxed, and less stressed. Taking a break from TTC has been such a great idea. I went from having "pregnancy envy" to actually being happy for pregnant women when I see them. Before, whenever I'd see someone pregnant or with an infant I would think 'oh man, I HAVE to get pregnant soon and have a baby! I can't wait to have kids!!!' and my heart would race. Currently, if I see a pregnant woman on television, or at the grocery store, it's more of an, "Awww! I'll have a cute belly like that one day." So I've really toned it down.

The overanalyzing of my body has stopped as well. I'm just letting my body do what it needs to do to get back to normal. Rushing after having a miscarriage was only stressing me out, and I felt like a failure when I didn't get pregnant immediately. Now I'm more focused on healing and being happy.

I'm not counting cycle days at all, or checking for signs of ovulation. I just want to relax, and feel worry free for awhile. Also, I look at how much the lives of people with children change, and I give my husband an extra squeeze and relish in the fact that for the moment he's all mine. I sleep in late, have a few drinks, and just do what makes me happy. I'm not worrying about a "fertility friendly diet" or totally abstaining from alcohol at the moment. I'm focusing on ME. And gosh darnit, it feels gerat!

My husband was concerned because I made such a total transformation. He thought that maybe I was hiding my feelings. But once I started to do what I felt was right for ME, I ran with it. And I love it. Maybe one day I'll be back to my old self, rushing to get those two pink lines, but for now I'm content.

Taking A Break

I've decided to take a break from TTC. That means, no OPKs, no worrying about what cycle day I'm on, no scheduled BDing. I'm just going to relax, and focus on myself for awhile. I found that I was getting SO stressed that it was actually making me ill. There are also a few things that I want to take the time out to work on, such as getting back in shape!

My husband is fully supportive of my decision. It was wearing him out too. So we're just going to enjoy life as a couple for a few more months. I haven't even put a date on when we'll start "trying" again. As much as I want children, I don't want to allow myself to get so worked up over NOT having them, that I stop taking care of myself.

I need to get over my "pregnancy envy" and spend more time appreciating the life that I already have. So that's my goal. I'm not sure how frequently I'll be posting. I'll try to keep my blog up during my "hiatus", and I'll definitely check up on all the blogs I follow.

So, that's where I'm at. Take care everyone!

~C

February 17, 2010

So, I noticed yesterday afternoon that I had a really strong urgency to pee. I didn't really think much of it, I had been at work all day and only pee'd once. No biggie. Then yesterday, I went to bed at 7:30PM. Well, I've been tired, staying up late with DH watching TV, no biggie. THEN, this morning I got up at 1:30AM to pee, and by 5:30AM I was up again running to the bathroom to pee again. Now THAT seemed weird, until I realized that it was probably the amount of sleep that caused me to have to use the bathroom so badly.

Now I'm at work, and I feel like I have to use it again. Hmm... We couldn't be on to something here. Geez, look at me, symptom spotting already. We'll see what happens!!!

And the dizziness continues....

I've still been feeling very shaky, dizzy, lightheaded, etc. I know I should probably POAS, but... I'm scared! I'm going to try to hold out for a little while longer.

What I learned today....

So, it's still pretty early in the day, but I've already learned some valuable lessons. Let's go through them, shall we?

Lesson 1: EAT!! I substituted my two breakfast sandwiches for a Sausage Biscuit w/ cheese from McDonalds this morning. I had REALLY been wanting one, and couldn't wait to eat it. Notice, I said one. I scarfed it down as soon as I got to my desk at work. I felt half full, half hungry but kept working. Then, about ten minutes ago, I went to the restroom (which has become one of my favorite past times). When I turned to flush the toilet, the room went black and started spinning. I FREAKED OUT! I was feeling so hot, and dizzy, and shaky, so I crouched NEAR (not on) the ground until I got my focus back. I'm still shaking and feeling light headed. Thank goodness one of my coworkers is a relative and is nice enough to go get me some lunch.

Lesson 2: HOLY HEARTBURN! Ummm, did ya know that water can cause heartburn? No? Me either. I was guzzling water (I have unquenchable thirst at the moment), and all of a sudden I had a heart attack. Okay, that might be a slight overexaggeration, but it sure did feel like my throat/heart was going to burst.

Lesson 3: PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE... I've been on edge all day today. Everyone, and everything is getting on my nerves. Currently, it is the sound of me typing. Usually it doesn't annoy me, heck, I don't even notice it. But right now, the "clack, clackity, clack" of the keyboard is causing me to want to stomp on it and see all the letters of the alphabet fly across the room.

That's all so far, be prepared for a revised edition. I'm sure I'll continue to learn these 'lessons' throughout the day....

Not feeling well

Over the past couple of days, I've noticed that I feel warmer than usual. Even to the touch. I snuggled up to DH the other day, and he jumped away telling me that I was hot. I've also felt lightheaded, and like I'm dragging. I even had to break down and take a nap today at work. I'm SLEEPY!

Now, all of these things probably don't mean anything. But I've also been eating two breakfast sandwiches a day at work. And they're not like McDonald's breakfast sandwiches, where they're small. They are made out of actual bread slices, and have bacon, eggs, and cheese on them. Yummy! Also, after I eat them, I'm still starving, so I have to drink a bottle of water to feel full. Then I'm hungry again at lunch time.

What gives? If I am in fact, pregnant, why can't I have the usual "google-able" pregnancy symptoms? AhhhhhH! (End rant).

I'm just going to see what happens, and go crazy in the meantime.