Worry, worry, worry...

It all started on April 17, 2010. The day that my First Response pregnancy test came back positive. That day will go down in history, and is often played like a movie in my head. There was no way that my mind thought that pregnancy test would be positive, but there it was, with the faintest of a second line telling me that there was indeed something growing in my belly.

What a wonderful day!

Since that day, everything worries me. When my doctor requested to monitor my beta levels, the worry came. "What if they don't double? What if they're too low? What if it was a chemical pregnancy?" All of those thoughts ran through my head. When my beta levels didn't quite double and my doctor called in an early ultrasound for me, the worry set in again. But low and behold, everything was fine.

Remember the minor freak out that commenced before my 11 week appointment? Every muscle in my body was tense because the worry of wondering whether or not the heartbeat would be detected was freaking me out. But low and behold, everything was fine.

And then the Doppler was purchased. My mind was put to ease as that little "lub-lub-lub" sound was so easily heard. All of that worrying, and my baby was still safe and sound.

Fast forward to the AFP testing (which tests for Down Syndrome and Spina Bifida)... more worries, more freak outs, negative results, all was fine. And it was confirmed that Bunny was okay during the 18 week Fetal Anomaly Survey.

My heart is so involved in this pregnancy, that at times worry can't be evaded. I love Bunny more than I could have ever imagined. My nights are spent dreaming about her, my days are spent enjoying her move around in my belly and getting things ready for her. The thought of something happening to her makes me feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest. Which brings on my most recent worry: Prematurity.

The internet can be both a gift and a curse. I know too much about prematurity and micro-preemies, NICU's, nasal cannula's, feeding tubes, heart defects, eyesight problems, etc. In the days that I was researching everything (after a friend of mine gave birth to her daughter at just 23 weeks, and yes she did survive and is 7 years old today), I felt empowered. I knew what to expect. But now I feel overwhelmed with fear at times. It creeps into my mind and heart like a thief in the night. One minute I'm fine, daydreaming about kissing a full term chubby cheeked baby, and the next I'm freaking out and concerned that I'm going to go into early labor.

The reason behind this post is just to get all of my feelings and concerns out, and remind myself that a worry over a certain issue does not mean that the issue will become a reality. And I honestly think it's a part of motherhood. I'm concerned about my baby's well being, and I try to think that it's a good sign. Her needs already supersede my own. I'm changing. I'm becoming a Mom, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.

All I know is that I pray for my sweet baby girl every single day. I want her to be safe, and healthy, and to know that she is loved. After all, she is my dream come true.