Trying to get over hurt feelings

It was completely necessary for me to take a break from the blogging world.  And, it was also hard.  I love blogging, and documenting the most precious moments of my life, but I had to take some time to figure out what I wanted to do.  The uncertainty of whether or not I would continue to share my thoughts and feelings with the world was weighing me down.

What caused my confusion?  Well, words.  You know what they say, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  Well, I say that isn't completely true.  Words do hurt, even when the intention is not there.  However, I know that other people's blogs are their property.  People have a right to express how they feel.  I've stumbled upon many different blogs since I joined this site.  I was mostly drawn to blogs about pregnancy, parenting, childbirth, and home decor.  I was amazed at how many blogs there were about those things, and how many people were willing to share their lives with others.  Before I fell pregnant with Yorlee, I was mainly reading blogs about people who had experienced miscarriages because I had just went through that, and I was also reading blogs about couples who were in the trenches due to infertility.  I was so unsure about my ability to carry a child to term, or get pregnant again.  It was so scary to me, and the success stories about IF encouraged me, giving me the strength to keep hoping.

I say all of this because I want people to know that even though I haven't experienced infertility first hand, I did believe (for YEARS) that I would have trouble conceiving.  Why?  I'm not so sure, maybe because I had been using birth control off and on and didn't get pregnant.  But I think it was mostly because I wanted it so badly that I assumed it would never happen.  Most people would think the opposite.  I have several friends that say "When I get pregnant" or "I'm going to have my baby when I turn {insert age}" never for one minute thinking that they may have trouble conceiving.  I was never that person.  I felt that I'd have a hard time, I expected it.  The first time I received a positive reading on a pregnancy test I thought the test was wrong.  I was upset that I had spent my hard earned money on a defective test, and was preparing to return to the pharmacy to complain.  It never really crossed my mind that the test could be correct.  And even once I found out it was correct via a blood test, I still had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that the outcome wouldn't be a child.  Maybe I'm just a pessimist, I'm not sure.  But the whole pregnancy and childbirth thing never seemed like it would be something I'd get to experience fully.

Once I started following blogs, I was drawn to blogs regarding IF.  I'd cheer people on as they were gearing up for IVF.  I couldn't wait to see how many embies they had, if any made it to freeze, how many they were planning on transferring, when they would go in to have their BETA levels checked, how many implanted, etc.  I followed the journeys as if they were my own.  Maybe I took it too far, I'm not sure.  In my heart I don't feel as though I did.  Imagine my shock and surprise when I found a new blog about IF, felt a connection, made an encouraging comment on a post and was severely burned by the blog owner.  Apparently, she checked my blog, saw that I hadn't went through IVF or fertility treatment, and said, "Stupid fertiles should stay in their place. I don't know why you commented on my blog, you know nothing about the pains of infertility.  I don't appreciate you throwing your ability to procreate in my face.  If there is one thing that I absolutely despise, it is a fertile who THINKS she can relate."  She said a few other things as well, but those sentences cut me like a knife.  I understand that those who are experiencing difficulty conceiving may have some resentment towards those who do not.  I've read plenty of blogs where the topics were about the stupid things "fertiles" say or do.  Some were funny, some were not.  I always took it with a grain of salt.  And in cases where some one's irresponsible cousin slept with a guy she knew for 5 minutes and gave birth to a healthy baby nine months later but was the worst mother in the world, I agreed with them.  Some things just aren't fair.  But the comment I received just recently hurt me to the core.  And you know what else hurt?  Other people also commented, and what they said mimicked the thoughts of the blog owner.  I was in disbelief!!  It left a bad taste in my mouth.  You see, fertility/infertility isn't really a choice that people make.  Sure, people may take things forgranted.  Many do, however I didn't choose to be fertile, I didn't have that option.  Just like I couldn't choose the color of my skin.  I also don't believe that infertility is a part of God's plan, as many people say.  I believe that it is directly correlated to imperfection.  (But that deserves a post of it's own, if I continue blogging.)  I considered the fact that when I made the comment on the blog, the owner could have been having a bad day.  Anything could have happened.  So I waited a few days, and then sent her an email apologizing since it seemed as though my point wasn't taken in the way I had desired, and explained that although I haven't experienced IF, I was familiar with some of the emotions that come along with it.  The response was unbelievable.  When I read that email, it felt as though the words where jumping off of the computer screen, as if I were being stoned.  Needless to say, I stopped following that blog.

So now I sit, picking up the pieces of my shattered feelings and trying to figure out where to go from here.  To those of you who are trying to navigate through infertility, please understand that not all fertiles are created equal.  And that I want you to experience the joys of parenthood as much as you do, if not more.