One year ago today...

Exactly one year ago today, I was 10 weeks pregnant.  So cautious, and nervous.  Scared to fall in love with the tiny human inside of me.  Scared to tell people I was pregnant.  Scared to even believe that I might actually have a baby one day in fear that it would "jinx" something.

I wrote the following post:

10 Weeks Down/ 30 to Go!!

How far along? 10 weeks exactly

Total weight gain/loss: Still down, about 5 lbs

Sleep: TONS! I'm still pretty exhausted. I've been staying up past 9PM lately, but I really feel it the next day.

Food cravings: Pickles, I might stop and buy some on the way home. It's the only thing that sounds good. Still struggling with food, but it seems to be getting a little bit better.

Best moment this week: Realizing that I'm 1/4 of the way done! Time feels like it's creeping by, but it isn't.

Movement: Still too early for that. Can't wait!

Gender: I have no clue, one day I'll think girl, and the next day I'll swear I'm going to have a boy.

Labor Signs: Not for a LONG time!!

Belly Button in or out? Still in. It's so weird to me how my stomach can look pretty normal in the morning, but by the afternoon it's HUGELY bloated.

What I miss: Feeling normal. I miss not stressing over every single thing. I worry if the baby is still alive, I worry about if I'm eating enough, I worry about if this pregnancy is actually going to result in a real live baby. I just worry. And it's starting to take a toll on me.

What I am looking forward to: My next ultrasound, and hitting the second trimester. Only a few more weeks!

Weekly Wisdom: It's normal for symptoms to come and go. I was nervous because I wasn't nauseous one day, only to feel pretty bad the next.

Milestones: Staying sane for another week! Woo-hoo! I'm proud of myself.

This pregnancy has really been a struggle for me. I really wish that I could be more optimistic and hopeful about everything, but I'm still really scarred emotionally from the miscarriage I had in December. Even though it was a completely different situation (I had bleeding almost from the moment I found out I was pregnant), it still haunts me. I feel like I'm just waiting with baited breath for the other shoe to drop. It's really hard. I wish I hadn't told anyone. Sometimes I want to forget that I'm pregnant, and I also find that I'm wishing time away. I know that stress isn't good for me or the baby, so I need to figure out a way to put my mind at ease. I considered buying a Doppler, but I really wonder if that will help me or harm me. If I can't find the heartbeat one day, I'll FREAK OUT. And I just don't know if it's a good idea for me to put myself through that. I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

 

I wish I could go back in time, and console my newly pregnant self.  Tell myself that everything is going to be okay.  I love that I have a healthy five month old that loves to bite my shoulder when I'm burping her, and gives me sweet slobber kisses when I'm trying to put her to bed.

 

Amazing!!

 

(My little love fell asleep in her Bebo chair.  It was the cutest thing ever!!)

 

Mommy's little Diva!

I bought this outfit before Yorlee was born and couldn't wait to put it on her.  But, I almost missed my chance!  It fits her perfectly, if she weighed another ounce, or was another centimeter longer, she wouldn't have been able to fit it.  It was a little tight around her arms, and on her belly. 

I just love her to pieces!

The Adventures in Sleep Training (Pt. 3)

Well....  Yorlee is still sleeping in the bed with me most nights.  Sometimes, she sleeps in her swing, and occasionally will nap in her crib.  Once she figures out that she's alone, the waterworks begin and she has a tantrum.  We're going to keep working in it.

I tried the advice that some of you gave me.  Lalla, I put her down when she started to show that she was tired.  It was 7PM.  She went out like a light, I was so excited!!  Then she woke back up at 8:30PM, I nursed her and she fell asleep with me.  She woke again at midnight, and stayed up til 4AM!!!  I couldn't believe it.  In between that time I rocked her, kissed her, sang to her, bounced her, nursed her, etc.  I was trying everything I could think of to get her down.  She finally went to sleep at 4:20(ish)PM.  And I had to get up for the day at 5AM.  Needless to say, I drank a ton of coffee that day.  Keri, I had my husband put her down and it worked a few times.  She doesn't stay sleep for long though.

She's been on more solids lately.  I give her rice cereal everyday, she loves it!  She tries to slurp it off the spoon, and grabs the spoon when I'm trying to clean her face with it.  It cracks me up.  My husband made her some homemade peas.  She ate them up!  I was surprised because neither of us like them.  But she gobbled them down.

That's all I can think of for now.  I'll post again soon!

The Adventures in Sleep Training, Part 2

If I were to grade how things went last night, I'd give it a C-.

Yorlee slept in her crib for all of an hour before the waterworks began.  I swaddled her arms only (lightly) to give her more of a sense of security in hopes that she'd stay sleep longer.  It did seem to help, but once she busted out of them it was a wrap on the crib sleeping situation.

After nursing and some rocking, she fell asleep again, only to wake right back up when I laid her down.  Finally, she fell asleep in her swing.  But.... (and this is the part that makes me feel like a Bad Mama) I couldn't settle down in bed by myself, so after a few hours I picked her up and brought her to bed with me.  So now I feel like it's ME.  Like I'm the bad one here.  Everyone expects babies to sleep through the night, and sleep by themselves, and be all coos and smiles all the time.  But my baby isn't like that.  And it makes me feel like I'm failing....

I wasn't going to have her co sleep last night, honestly, but I started to feel all panicky.  My heart started racing and I felt like I needed to have her with me.  And I don't ignore those feelings.  She did sound really congested, so I'm actually glad that I had her close to me.  I'm going to try to put her in her pack n' play instead of her crib, so I can keep an eye on her.  Maybe being in the same room as us will help her relax.

I've been feeling like such a horrible parent these days.  I really want the best for Yorlee, and I try to do everything in my power to raise her right.  When she cries because someone else is holding her, or doesn't meet milestones that other babies in her age range are meeting, it makes me feel guilty.  And I think that a large part of that has to do with the fact that I work full time.  She's away from me Monday - Friday from 7AM - 4:30PM.  That's a long time.  Maybe that's why she doesn't want anyone but me sometimes?  Who knows...  She's doing really well though.  Her head control is awesome, we need to work on tummy time a little more because she's a lazy roller.  She'll do it, but only when she wants too.  Sometimes I put her on her belly and she immediately rolls over onto her back.  Yet others (and more often than not) she'll squirm around for a sec and then just drop her head down.  She's started sitting up by herself when I put she's on my lap.  And she reaches for EVERYTHING.  She grabbed the remote control and almost deleted some of my recorded programs yesterday.

I'm probably being hard on myself, but it's a struggle.  You want your kids to have the best, and do their best.

I'm a list maker, so here is a list of things that are on my mind currently:

1. The fact that Yorlee doesn't really have a set schedule.  Yes, it's nice to fly by the seat of our pants at times, but I feel like we should be more on a schedule.

2.  The fact that she cries every time someone other than me or my husband holds her.  I understand that she is learning to recognize us, but how long will this last?  People are always commenting on the fact that she doesn't want to go to anyone but us.

3.  The fact that she isn't the "put-her-down-in-her-crib-and-she-sweetly-babbles-herself-to-sleep" kind of baby.

4.  The fact that she wakes every night, without fail, at midnight and stays up until at least 2:30AM.

Here is my action plan:

1.  Follow her cues.  If I notice that she's tired, perform the same routine at the same time of day.  Example, if it's during the weekend (morning/afternoon)and she's tired.  Put her in her crib or pack n' play and play a quiet game with her.  If it's during the weekday/weekend (evening) and she's tired, do our normal sleep routine.  Bath, book, nurse, bed.

2.  Don't take her from someone immediately after she starts crying.  Allow them to attempt to soothe her.  If she has a tantrum or continues to cry for a few minutes, I'll take her from them, soothe her, and give her back.

3.  Stop trying to make her that baby, and work with her personality to find a sleep pattern that works for US.  She may never babble and coo herself to sleep.  And I should accept that and move on.

4.  Instead of picking her up and trying to soothe her back to sleep, I'm going to place her in her pack n' play and keep the room quiet and dark.  I'm going to try to reiterate the fact that night time is for sleeping.

I'm also going to make sure she has plenty of tummy time at home.  Maybe we'll incorporate that before or after her baths.

Yorlee is her own person.  I need to stop thinking that all babies are created equal.  And I need to stop letting the comments that other people make affect me.

(Whew!  Sorry for being so "wordy", I guess I had a lot on my chest!  Kudos to you if you read the whole thing, LOL!!)

The Adventures in Sleep Training (Pt. 1)

Thank you all for your comments!  While the "Cry It Out" method isn't the best one for my family, we've decided that we do need an action plan.

Last night, after Yorlee was comfortably settled in her PJ's, I took her into the living room to nurse her.  Now this is completely different from our normal routine.  Usually, I put her in her PJ's, I change into my lounge clothes, and then I nurse her in my bed while I catch up on my DVR.  I think that association of being in the bed to nurse, and sleeping in bed with Mommy needed to be severed.

I could tell she was confused about our new surroundings.  I hadn't nursed her in the living room in ages.  I'd always go to the bedroom.  She was looking around trying to figure everything out.  After she fell asleep nursing, I picked her up, burped her, and offered the other side.  When she had her fill and was drifting off to sleep again, I put her in her crib.  To keep her from waking up, I rubbed her belly and put my face on her face.  She immediately quieted down and went back to sleep.

Sadly, it only lasted 45 minutes, but it was some improvement for us.  When she woke back up, my husband rocked her back to sleep and placed her back in her crib.  She cried for a few two minutes and went back to sleep.  Then she woke again after 14 minutes.  I went to her and rocked her again.  She wasn't having it.  Full out temper tantrum.  Once she calmed down, I nursed her again.  She was still upset, so my husband took over and I went to bed.  He was able to get her to sleep and put her in her swing.  She stayed sleep in there until about 2:30AM.  I nursed her in bed and she slept with me until it was time for me to get my day started.

Baby steps.  That's what we're doing.  We plan to get her some sort of crib soother/projector this weekend.  Hopefully she'll enjoy her crib more that way.

Sleep issues

Awhile ago I posted mentioning that I was trying to get Yorlee out of our bed.  Well, I'm STILL trying.  The problem is that I have to commit to it.  I have a love/hate relationship with co sleeping.

The pros are:
 - Love being able to cuddle with my princess.
 - Love being able to soothe her without either of us waking up.
 - Love looking down at her sweet face.
 - Love being able to spend time with her after working all day.

The cons are:
 - Not being able to get a good nights sleep.
 - Not being able to pull my covers up around my shoulders (I keep then waist level so that she can't pull them over her head.)
 - Not being able to cuddle with my husband (Yorlee doesn't just sleep with me, she pretty much sleeps ON me.  She has to be right next to me, pressed up against me to sleep.)
 - Not having any time to myself.
 - Her not being able to sooth herself.
 - She has to nurse herself to sleep.

I'm sure there are more pros and cons that I can't recall at the moment.

After scouring the internet for advice, my husband and I finally decided to let her cry it out.  It was horrible!  We only lasted 30 minutes, and that felt like forever.  The books/experts recommend a full hour.  But it was such an exhausting experience.  I'm not sure if we'll try again.

Something has to change though.  We've tried nearly everything; warming up a blanket to place in her crib before laying her down, colorful toys that sing, placing her in her crib after she's sleep, rubbing/patting her back, etc.  She sleeps soundly at daycare, which boggles my mind.  Well, really it doesn't.  I'm not there with her and she knows that, so I think she has the self soothing capability, but doesn't exercise it at home.  She also sleeps in her Rock & Play sleeper at daycare.

She also has started waking up numerous times at night, which I attribute to teething.  But it's the same time every night, and it takes her about two hours to go back to sleep.  We've implemented a solid night time routine, in the hopes that it'll help get her back on track.  But I'm exhausted...

A letter to my daughter.

(reposted due to Blogger acting up)

Dear Yoree Belle,

You are currently four months old and have so much personality!  I look at you, and I feel like all of my dreams came true.  The day you were born will forever be etched in my mind and heart.  It was so great to finally put a face to the name.  To finally meet you, and introduce you to all the love and support that you have.  So many people love you, and so many more will come to love you in your lifetime.

I feel like I've always known you.  Probably because we're so much alike.  I love it when you look at something and are trying to understand what it is and how it works.  You forrow your brows, focus, and stare.  Your smile makes my heart sing, and can bring happy tears to my eyes.  I love your toes, because those, my dear, you inherited from your Daddy.  You have the prettiest curly head of hair, it looks as though someone carefully placed each of them on your head, delicately intertwining them so that they became a puzzle of shiny black beauty.  I also love your eyes, they are so big and bright.  They speak to me.  I can often tell what you're about to do, by the look in your eyes.  I love how they will search a room until you find me.  And how they light up when you're about to laugh.

You amaze me.  You inspire me to do better.  You show me a part of the world I forgot.  The innocence of childhood.

I want you to remember these things:

1. Love yourself wholehartedly.  Once you've mastered that, then you can fully love others.  And love is a beautiful thing.

2. Respect others.  We live in a cruel world where it is easy to do what is wrong and hard to do what is right.  Treat others with kindness, season your words with salt.  Understand that although you may face ignorant people, what matters most is how YOU handle the situation.

3. Ps 83:18.  Know God, call Him by name.  Reach out to Him and rely on Him.  He will protect you.  Follow His word, the bible.  Only then will you see the light.  Don't blame Him for everything.  Know that Satan is doing his best to turn people away from Him.  He gave His son as a ransom for us, do you really think He would try to harm us in any way?

4. Be wise.  Don't follow the crowd.  Ask questions, research answers.  Don't get swept up in the hype as so many others do.  Learn the Truth, regardless of what the situation is.

5. Appreciate what you have, instead of concentrating on what you don't have.  Many people in this world are so blinded.  Unveil yourself, see what really matters.  Don't forget about the simple things.

6. Don't forget that parents aren't perfect.  We make mistakes too, and trust me, I will make mistakes.  But just know that everything I do, every decision I make, will be with your best interest at heart.  Talk to me, tell me how you feel, and know that most likely, and one point in time, I felt the same way too.

7. Reach out to people that are older than you.  Remember that with age, comes knowledge.  When you're a teenager, don't shut out adults.  Also, speak to the elderly, they are a wealth of wisdom.  Appreciate them, and respect them.

8. Actions speak louder than words.  Always remember that.  It is easy to say something, with the intent of doing it.  But, my dear, it's the follow through that really counts.

9. Be generous.  This day and age people are so consumed with what they possess.  Don't let that make you who you are.  Give freely to others.  It doesn't have to be material.  Give your time, for it is worth more than you may realize.

10. Be happy.  Happiness can be cultivated just like a garden.  Plant the seeds, and watch it grow.  Don't let others determine if you are happy.

I love you more than words can express.  You mean the world to me.  I hope that I am able to raise you to be eloquent, articulate, modest, humble, loyal, and kind.  You truly are a blessing.

Love always,

Mommy

An Ode to my post pregnancy body...

"Do your FEEDERS hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder
Like a Continental Soldier?
Do your FEEDERS hang low?"

That's my theme song right now.  Who needs a bra when you can just tie em' up and throw em' over your shoulder?

Honestly, it's not that bad.  But sometimes I feel so yucky.  Then guilt sets in because I feel as though I owe my body some appreciation for all it's done.  So, here goes:

Dear Post-Pregnancy Body,

I apologize that I haven't been giving you the TLC that I know you most desperately need and deserve.  You have been through so many changes over the past year.  You should receive an award.

Words cannot express the gratitude that I have towards you.  Not only did you carry my most precious possession, Yorlee Belle, but you also continue to provide her with nourishment.  Then, you ached, you stretched, , you gained, you craved, and you conquered.  Now, you hold, you rock, you clothe, you diaper, and you soothe.

Thank you for providing a home to my child for nine months.  And for providing her with food that matches her needs and growth.  Sure, you may be a few pounds heavier than you were before.  And you might have received some wear and tear along the way.  But you held a life that I've been dreaming of for all of MY life.

You were the wrapping to such an amazing gift.  And who complains about the gift wrap?

Going forward we will have a better relationship.  I will honor you, and take time out to allow you to relax.  I won't point out your flaws.  Instead, I will celebrate your accomplishments.

You are truly appreciated.  And you are beautiful.

Time is flying by

It seems like Yorlee grows an inch everyday.  And her personality is definitely blossoming.  I've already started packing up her 3-6 month clothes, and started opening/buying/washing 6-9 month sizes.

When I look back at her newborn clothes, they seem SO tiny and it seems as though she was never that small.

She's mastering rolling now.  She can roll from back to belly and from belly to back.  Often times, when I'm holding her on my lap facing forward, she'll turn herself around so that she can look at me.  If I lay her down, she'll roll and reach for anything that's near her.  She LOVES to chomp on her blankets and our comforter.  She started to blow raspberries while nursing.  It cracks me up because it makes the funniest sound.  She loves to smile at people while I'm holding her, but the minute they pick her up she starts screaming.

She loves to watch people and tries to figure out what is going on around her.  She can sit unassisted.  She loves to "talk" in the middle of the night.  She'll wake up and just start babbling, and then fall asleep again after a few minutes.  She pulls her hair when she's sleepy, and also when she's nursing.  She also loves to rub my face when I'm nursing her and tries to stick her fingers in my mouth.

I can't believe she'll be five months on Saturday!  Time is truly flying by, and I'm loving every minute that I get to spend with my little girl.

Photos

I never seem to have my actual camera available to capture milestones.  My cell phone is equipped with a pretty decent camera, and I always have that, so pretty much all of the photos that I share were taken with that.

Here are a few that I recently took of my little princess:

Sitting up on her own. I snapped the photo right as she was about to topple over!

Getting impatient with me. 

Happy Wednesday!