Feeling alone

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my husband about us TTC. We both know that we want children, we both don't feel the need to protect against pregnancy, I thought we were both on the same page in regards to "trying". However, I was wrong.

My husband doesn't want to know when I'm ovulating or when I'm in my "fertile period". He said that he doesn't want to know about my OPKs, or anything else that has to do with my fertility. When I give him the heads up when we're nearing a point that it would be good to try to conceive, he stated that it makes him feel uncomfortable. I don't get it. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to know when the best chances are to conceive a child, that he wants so much, would be. I mean, isn't that the point of TTC? Tracking your fertility so that you can get pregnant and have a baby?

Matter of fact, he told me that when I'm ovulating I should "lie to him" and just act like I'm feeling particularly frisky, instead of telling him that we should get down to business in order to procreate. I don't feel like I should have to lie to anyone about anything. According to him, it takes the romance out of things when he knows that we are doing the deed to create a particular outcome. In my opinion, knowing that our love could create life is almost romantic in a way. But men will be men.

It makes me feel so alone in this whole TTC process. My family doesn't really know, or support, the fact that we want children, so I don't talk to them about it. I don't have parents that I can go to, I'm not sure how much my friends would understand. So that leave him, my other half, the one I declared in front of everyone that I would spend the rest of my life with. We're supposed to be there for each other. This situation makes me want to stop trying all together.

I may be hormonal, irritated, on edge, on the verge of tears, etc. But I do feel as though my feelings are valid. Making my husband understand my point of view is my goal, but I know it's going to be hard. Why can't things just be easy?

Confused

So, my plan yesterday was for me to come home, take another OPK, see a positive result, BD and repeat today. Well, that plan was a huge FAIL!!!

When I got home yesterday, I raced to the bathroom grabbed my box of OPKs and took one. Negative.... There were two lines, but the test line was obviously lighter than the control line. Insert confusion here. Then I started doubting the OPKs that I had taken that morning. They were clearly positive, the test line was WAYY darker than the control line. I even took a picture of them yesterday morning, before they dried up, and they are SO positive.

The reason that I'm so confused is because I always have three consecutive days of positive OPKs. So I'm wondering if maybe I missed my chance. DH and I also didn't BD yesterday. He was tired and so was I. We were both asleep by 9:30PM. Surprisingly, I'm not freaking out. My plan wasn't to try this month anyways, but I ended up having a change of heart. I usually test everyday following my period, until I get a positive, and then I follow it back until it turns negative. This month I didn't do that because we weren't trying. This may be TMI, but my cervix is still really high and soft, so maybe we'll get a BD session in today "just in case", but I'm not sure if it'll do any good. My side is burning, but it has been for about five days now.

This morning I took another one, and it was negative. So I just don't get it. And I believe that it's accurate, because the one I took this morning was another BRAND. So I got a negative yesterday on one brand, and a negative this morning on another brand.

We'll see what happens. Now I wish I hadn't even taken an OPK at all because I know the symptom spotting is going to follow. Sheesh!

I was so happy yesterday, I felt like things were back on track, and that I was actually on the verge of really TTC again. Today I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me. Emotionally I feel ready, but maybe I'm not physically. Maybe my body hasn't healed yet, which is why I'm getting such mixed signals. Whatever the case, I'm going to continue to do my best and give my body the best chance I can at conceiving and carrying full term. I wanted to be pregnant before my wedding anniversary (which is July 22nd), but now I'm not going to put an actual month on it. I don't want to feel pressured. It's been 3 months since my miscarriage, I shouldn't be stressing out about TTC.

Photos

A few pictures....

My husband and my niece, Mariah.


My Husband and I.


And again...


And again...

Guess who got three positive OPKs???

THIS GIRL DID!!

I had the urge to POAS yesterday when I got home from work. And it was POSITIVE. I was shocked, I never ovulate this early. This morning, I took two more OPKs and they were positive as well. We did BD, but I'm not sure if the timing is right because we BD'd on Sunday. Either way, I'm just happy to get a positive OPK. Things are going so great right now.

This is a pic of my DH when he was little. It just melts my heart. I can't wait to have his babies!!!

Thank you!!

I just want to thank everyone for such kind words. It's funny for me to think that I started this blog and kept it private because I thought it would be helpful for me to express my thoughts without other people reading them. Now I know that I was SO wrong!! You all have made my day, I'm so happy and thankful that you reached out. I feel better than ever. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Live life to the fullest

After my friend passed, I've come to a new realization about life. Seeing how quickly things can change, made me wake up a bit. I've been down in this dump after my miscarriage, teetering between wanting to try again and being too scared.

I'm going to live life to the fullest. I want a child, so I will do everything in my power to have one. That means, stop being so afraid. I think my husband was concerned that I may not want to try after what happened to Aja. I will NOT let fear get in the way. I've done that for too long. I started with the Robitussin again this month, as well as vitamin B6 and red raspberry leaf tea. My body went through so much with the miscarriage, that I feel compelled to help it out. I've also been drinking gobs of water to ensure that everything is hydrated. Positive thinking, positive results. That's my motto! Trying to stay stress free. Relax, relate, release!

Heavy Heart

I have such a heavy heart today. One of my friends, Aja Epps, passed away. I met Aja about five years ago, through my older sister. Aja had lupus, which took a turn for the worst once she became pregnant with her first child. Unfortunately, Aja had to stop taking her medication during the first three months of her pregnancy, and it caused the lupus to spiral out of control. Her baby girl didn't survive because Aja's body could not produce enough nutrients to sustain life. Aja developed a blood infection, experienced kidney failure, heart failure, extreme swelling. This morning, she lost the battle.

I am SO sad. She was such a lovely, vibrant person. And her husband is not only going to have to grieve his wife, but his baby girl. We are trying to support him, and the rest of Aja's family as best as we can.

I have no more words....

Yay Me!

I'm SO proud of how my blog turned out. It came out much better than I expected. I'm so excited about, it makes me want to blog even more. Yippee!!!

Updating blog layout

Please bear with me while I work on updating my blog layout. Thanks! :-)

Going to try this month....

This is no April Fools joke.

I'm seriously thinking about trying this month. But I have no idea when/if I OV'ed. Hopefully I haven't OV'ed yet and I can still catch that eggy. Please pray for me!!