"Rolling in the deep..."

Be prepared folks, this post is going to be a little deep...

(I just love Adele!  If you haven't heard her song, "Rolling in the deep" you are seriously missing out, YOUTUBE it!!)

I'll tell you a little secret that I learned during my 9 (nearly 10) months of being a mother.  And it is....

Be honest with yourself.

Seriously.  When you feel like you can't handle everything, admit and and accept it.  It'll help you feel more sane, and in turn, you will start to prioritize and end up getting EVERYTHING accomplished.

Now, it's my turn to be honest:

I seem to be lacking self-esteem in the "Mommy Department".  I often doubt that I'm doing a great job as a Mom.  True, I am giving Yorlee my best.  But the doubt in the back of my head that my best isn't good enough for her, tries to control my mind sometimes.

I think it comes from feeling that I don't have support.  And I don't mean that my friends, fellow bloggers, and family aren't being supportive.  Because you are!  They are!  But, because I don't have parents of my own that I can go to, who really GET IT, it makes me feel incomplete.  You know?  Well, maybe you don't.  This is where it gets deep...

My mom committed suicide when I was 12 years old.  Tragic.  I know.  It was terrible.  The guilt and the 'what ifs' consumed me for years.  Yes, I know it wasn't my fault.  But it did make me wish I had hugged her a little tighter, appreciated her a little more, not have been embarrassed, etc.  My father?  Never in the picture.  Yup, I was one of those kids.  What do I mean by that?  Low-income, single parent family, barely making it, user of your tax dollars - kids.  I didn't know that growing up, my childhood was just as happy and fulfilling as it could be.  My mom was AWESOME!  Although we struggled financially at times, she taught us poise, confidence, respect, and intellect.  My siblings and I were some of the brightest, kindest, most eager kids in our classes.  Our teachers still remember us to this day.

The fact that my mom did so much for FIVE children on her own, astonishes me. 
I have moments when I would love to say, "Mom, what did you do when such-and-such happened?"  But I can't.  And that makes me feel so alone at times.  I would love to be able to have my Mom's advice.  I would love to hear about how she taught me to be who I am today.  How she juggled being my Mom, Dad, and teacher, while providing my siblings with the same.  How did she do it?!?

I've tried to reach out to my mother-in-law.  She's a nice person, but she's cut from different fabric.  And it's not bad fabric, it's just not the material that I would like my daughter to be adorned with for the rest of her life.  She is more concerned with appearance and entertainment, than personality or morals.  I believe that it's what is on the inside that truly counts.  And I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to look nice, and want nice things.  I'm just saying that if I were to pass away tomorrow, I wouldn't want people to say, "Wow, that's so sad, she wore such trendy clothes and her house was beautifully decorated."  Or, "I'll really miss her, she always had the cutest shoes on, and her car was so nice!"  Instead, I'd love for people to say, "I wish she were still here, she was so nice and caring."  Or, "I learned a lot from her, she helped me become a better person."

I really hope that I'm raising Yorlee to be an amazing person.  I often question if I'm teaching her the right things, providing the correct discipline, being a good enough example, demonstrating patience and understanding, etc.

All I can do is give her my all, and hope for the best.